Home > Stories From Small Town > Safe Sex is Rising (Pun Intended)

Safe Sex is Rising (Pun Intended)

I have always been very industrious and it comes in handy with my job. Dealing with sex crimes means I handle some pretty nasty evidence. One of the most common are used condoms. I don’t think twice anymore as I collect these little suckers.

Even if I’m not working a sex crime, I seem to be the queen condom eliminator. Vehicle and house searches uncover a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors. If one of our big burly officers comes in contact with a used willy warmer they freak. I stroll up and dispose of the offending love glove with a latex covered hand and an eye roll.

During sex crimes training we refer to the slimy contents as spoodge. I never knew this wasn’t a real word until I decided to write this post. If it is, I can’t find the proper spelling so help from my readers would be greatly appreciated.

Anyway, a problem with spoodge is that we cannot send evidence to the crime lab unless it’s dried. I’ve investigated and searched but I’m unable to find a device which will keep the integrity of my case and dehydrate a gentleman’s jerkin.

So, like in many other situations I improvise. I thought about adjusting an old wire shoe rack to fit my needs. My idea was to use a pair of pliers to squeeze the looped metal together so it would hold a cock sock. Then I would turn the rack upside down so the French letter doesn’t drip dry. Unfortunately this solution is larger than my small drying room has space for.

After dwelling on my dinger dilemma for weeks, I finally came up with the perfect solution. I like to take my freshly pressed dress uniform off the wire hanger after it’s been dry cleaned. Yes, I’m very Mommy Dearest when it comes to wire. After removing my uniform from the offending contraption I threw it in my outside garbage can. I then went into my house and poured a glass of iced tea.

I know you’re wondering what the two have in common but like much of my brilliance, it hits when I least expect. I went back outside and retrieved the hanger. Using pliers and my empty tea glass, I came up with the perfect answer to my problem. I bent the wire to the average size of a penis (Yes girls I know, quite small) and then gave it two lips. Are you following me here? I place the condom over the penile projectile and then turn it upside down with the luscious lips keeping it from falling inside the glass.

I was so proud of myself and I’ve been thinking of a way to market my rubber magic. I decided that in order to get started my creation needed a name. This seemed to be the hardest part of my business plan. I played around with many words; Prophelactic puller, salami sling socket, and rubber wrapper. They just didn’t give my brainchild a proper title.

After much deliberation and hair pulling, I fooled around with spelling and came up with the final titillating term. Ta da, it’s now officially the Suzie Ivy Bloww Dryer©

Now to celebrate before I becum too rich for friends, everyone is invited to my house for a glass of iced tea.

Update: Thanks to British reader, @Old_Chap, “Splooge” is the proper term and can be found in the slang dictionary. Darn, I wasn’t even pronouncing it correctly.

  1. May 25, 2012 at 1:10 pm | #1

    Can’t really comment, my face hurts too much from laughing!

    • May 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm | #2

      Thanks, I laughed while writing and then re-writing!

  2. May 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm | #3

    Because my mind can’t picture it could you show what it would look like with a condum on it?

  3. May 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm | #5

    I’ve been reading mysteries for almost 60 years, and can’t say that – ah, issue has arisen in any of them. Wonderful post! Think I will send some mystery authors to this blog. They could use the grounding.

    Loved your first book, looking forward to the second this weekend.

    • May 25, 2012 at 2:16 pm | #6

      Please send people my way. I also happily answer police procedural questions though I don’t know if anyone actually takes my advice. I truly hope you enjoy book 2.

  4. TheCallahan
    May 25, 2012 at 1:53 pm | #7

    Lol! The spelling ‘spooge’ (without the d) is also correct :) Haha about your invention though- I wonder what the folks at the patent office would have to say! Lmao! XD

  5. Muddah
    May 25, 2012 at 2:02 pm | #9

    I am cracking up at all of the new terminology I just learned! I agree with Ashley47. What I am picturing in mind would cause the loss of your golden evidence. Anyway, thanks for starting the weekend off with a laugh!

    • May 25, 2012 at 2:21 pm | #10

      You are quite welcome. The condom needs to remain upright but spread open. Does that help with the picture. Oh the puns with this are great :-)

  6. May 25, 2012 at 2:34 pm | #11

    You made my Chardonnay come out of my nose! Brilliant! I am even willing to help finance the production. Where can I send my $100.–?

    • May 25, 2012 at 2:40 pm | #12

      I’ll get back to you. I really need to open an international banking account for the foreign money too.

  7. May 25, 2012 at 2:50 pm | #13

    There are some interesting BVI constructions …

  8. May 25, 2012 at 3:01 pm | #14

    OMGosh! Hysterical and Brilliant!! WTG Suzie! I think I’ll pass on that glass of tea though. You know I’ll never be able to look at my husband’s drycleaning in our closet without thinking of this!

    • May 25, 2012 at 7:41 pm | #15

      My hubby is still getting over that he now knows what happened to our missing kitchen glasses. I told him I would be happy to bring them home.

  9. May 25, 2012 at 3:22 pm | #16

    OMG!!!! LOL!!!! Yes, you have reduced me to single letters …

    • May 25, 2012 at 7:43 pm | #17

      At least I know what your single letters mean. I’m trying to figure out Vidocq’s “BVI” If anyone has an idea please let me know.

  10. May 25, 2012 at 9:25 pm | #18

    “Suzie Ivy Bloww Dryer©” I am hysterical….

  11. May 26, 2012 at 5:43 am | #20

    First comment, drawn out by uncontrollable, hysterical laughter. Thank you so much, Suzie, you are definitely one who looks on the bright side of life :)

    • May 26, 2012 at 6:43 am | #21

      Thank you for the your first comment. Welcome to Bad Luck and I hope any return visits bring a smile!

  12. May 26, 2012 at 1:44 pm | #22

    Suzie Ivy you are soooooo good! I work in Child Protective and am not 28 years old like most of my co workers,but really love my work. But you know it is tough every day! I am definitely sharing your wit at work,because keeping your sense of humor is what gets you through every day…I would love to visit and have tea, but I’ll stop at the quickie mart on the way(for a can of Arizona ice tea:) ) lol!

    • May 26, 2012 at 2:12 pm | #23

      It’s humor that get’s us through our incredibly hard jobs. I often felt if I started crying I would never stop. I would rather laugh and save my tears for when I have more control. Bless you for what you do and I completely understand your wanting AZ ice tea but you are welcome to pour it in one of my glasses when you get here :-)

  13. May 26, 2012 at 6:15 pm | #24

    BVI stands for British Virgin Islands where very interesting offshore constructions have their domicile ….. for your international bank account and foreign money!

  14. Sveta
    May 26, 2012 at 6:15 pm | #26

    Wiki’ed “spoodge”. You’ve spelled it right.
    “Web definitions:
    Semen is an organic fluid, also known as seminal fluid, that usually contains spermatozoa. It is secreted by the gonads (sexual glands)…
    en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spooge
    More info »Source”

    • May 26, 2012 at 6:28 pm | #27

      I have wonderful friends who are way smarter than I. Thank you Sveta {hugs}

  15. May 27, 2012 at 9:19 am | #28

    This was hilarious! And so educational! I learned so many new buzz words that I had never heard before. You know what they say “necessity is the mother of invention.”

    • May 27, 2012 at 9:37 am | #29

      Glad you visited Annie! I also want to thank you again for including me in your post about “mid-life what ifs” I am honored and I hope my friends will take a look. http://bit.ly/LuoBmm You make men and women in blue feel incredibly loved.

  16. May 27, 2012 at 9:47 am | #30

    Awh…thank you. You all ARE loved! My officers were at AHOP yesterday for breakfast. Since it’s only every other week, it makes the time go by slow. I look forward to the next breakfast the minute they walk out the door. By the way, regarding your invention and how I said “necessity is the mother of invention”….I had an invention idea after my home was broken into the first time. My mechanical engineer lil’ brother immediately told me why it (wouldn’t) work so I dismissed it. 10 years later, I see (my) idea being sold in Lowes Home Improvement stores. Just another ‘what if’….oy vey. Get your idea to the patent office!

  17. May 29, 2012 at 9:31 pm | #31

    Hilarious! As always, necessity is the mother of all invention. I’m passing this on to my friends in prop evid. Thanks for the laughs!

  18. May 31, 2012 at 8:01 am | #33

    OMG… this HAS to be the funniest post you’ve ever written. The one liners … who knew so many nicknames existed for used condoms? I was laughing so hard, I was wheezing. I’m kind of partial to “Salami Sling Socket,” myself. Thank you SO much for the laugh. And yes, you should patent this device. And remind me NOT to drink from your glasses next time I come for a visit.

    PS I always thought it was spoodge, too. Ha ha (though I wouldn’t have put the ‘d’ in it… Looks like we all know what it means one way or the other!).

    • May 31, 2012 at 8:28 am | #34

      If you remember, because my memory is vague, I think we sterilized my glasses with plenty of alcohol and you were safe :-)

  19. June 2, 2012 at 3:59 pm | #35

    Hi there – thanks for visiting my blog – @old_chap is my dad – so I guess he’s allowed to brag to friends. It would appear from reading your blog that you are quite crafty too – nice work with a coathanger there ;-) Caroline x

    • June 2, 2012 at 5:23 pm | #36

      He said he was your dad but I didn’t believe someone with your talent could have such a grouchy old pop. That is a joke but on him :-)

  20. June 3, 2012 at 3:24 pm | #37

    He’s a big old softy when you get to know him :-)

    • June 3, 2012 at 3:41 pm | #38

      Yes, I’ve figured that out. He’s also taught me about that great British sense of humor. I need to get out in the world more.

  21. June 6, 2012 at 11:28 am | #39

    Hilarious. Oh my goodness, your terms throughout are keeping me in stitches. Speaking from the perspective of a chemical engineer, I think you may be onto something there with your invention.

    • June 6, 2012 at 11:36 am | #40

      I want the lips of my invention to be pink and I’m thinking the condom holder part should come in a variety of flesh tones from white ass to dark as night :-)

  22. June 12, 2012 at 9:24 am | #41

    Shoot! I really thought I’d left a comment here, but I’d left one on BlogHer. But, hey, here I am, and I thought your post was…well, very descriptive, and you had me roaring at some parts. I like your invention, by the way, Suzie! :)

    Mucho BIG hugs, Amiga!
    ~Virginia

    • June 12, 2012 at 10:01 am | #42

      You are too funny. Only because you are willing to leave multiple comments. I don’t know what I would do without you :-)

  23. June 25, 2012 at 6:07 pm | #43

    How about some dry ice?

    How MacGyver of you. :)

    “For the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up … and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape.”

    – MacGyver (Friends)

    • June 25, 2012 at 7:47 pm | #44

      Oh, I loved that show! If I could only take three items with me for survival, they would be duct tape, vaseline, and rope. Gosh that sounds kinky.

  24. bjjs2022
    July 18, 2012 at 5:58 pm | #45

    This is pure brilliance! You make me so proud.

    Salami sling socket…. Haha

    • July 18, 2012 at 6:16 pm | #46

      So nice of you to say! You must have a great mother!!! :-)

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