Home > Just Me Dreaming > Fat Thighs and Tom Cruise

Fat Thighs and Tom Cruise

I’m writing the rough draft of this post using my Ipad while running on my treadmill. Recently, I have been inspired to eliminate my fat thighs. Since my twenties, I’ve been in love with Tom Cruise. I’m not usually attracted to younger men but I figure I can overlook the one year age difference.

I was devastated to hear about Tom and Katie’s split, NOT. I’m running with sweat dripping down my face and probably not enough deodorant but there is little I won’t do for love. These are the reasons why Tom should be thrilled to take me away:

1)      I can double as his bodyguard. Have gun will travel.

2)      I don’t believe Scientology frowns on pink handcuffs.

3)      I’m not on antidepressants but I am crazy. I think we’ll make the perfect couple.

4)      I sleep nude but if he wants me to get rid of the habit, I will.

5)      My long blonde/gray hair will look wonderful from the back of his motorcycle as it flows gracefully in the wind.

6)      I’m more than able to host a grand dinner party when John and Kelly visit. As a matter of fact I think they should move in.

7)      Fielding paparazzi can’t be much different than fielding creditors.

8)      I’m shorter than him by several inches. Even in heels he won’t need to look up to me.

9)      I make diamonds look good.

10)   I was once fascinated with numerology and I’m sure it will come in handy when learning about Scientology.

My husband just popped his head in the door and asked what the hell I was doing on the treadmill at midnight. Boy he really burst my bubble, I forgot I was married.

If you think this post is in incredibly poor taste, you need to know that I also had a crush on Mel Gibson in my twenties. Do you see a trend here?

Categories: Just Me Dreaming
  1. Ruby Tuesday
    July 5, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Oh Suzie. . . How I needed this laugh just now! Thank you, as always. :)

    • July 5, 2012 at 11:52 am

      I have MISSED you! Thanks for stopping by we need to catch up.

      • July 5, 2012 at 11:57 am

        We do! I’ve been a lousy correspondent pretty much all around.

  2. ashley47
    July 5, 2012 at 11:46 am

    I have never understood all the fuss about Tom Cruise and probably never will. I don’t even think he is a very good actor. Mel Gibson on the other hand to me was yummy until recent years when he went batshit crazy and totally lost his appeal. The other one I really don’t get is George Clooney to me neither very attractive or a good actor. Thank goodness there are so many others to choose from!

    • July 5, 2012 at 11:54 am

      The older I get the more George appeals to me. I met Mel Gibson in person and his blue eyes were amazing but you’re right he is batshit crazy.

  3. Holly Michael
    July 5, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Oh my. This is hilarious. Thanks for a good laugh and fun read today.

    • July 5, 2012 at 12:07 pm

      Thank you Holly, glad you stopped by!

  4. July 5, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    George has matured nicely! :)
    All those long lingering looks at Mel’s blue eyes (ego) ruined Braveheart and The Patriot for me.

    • July 5, 2012 at 12:09 pm

      I can still watch Braveheart. I bought the DVD years ago and he gets no additional royalties from me.

  5. July 5, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    So you LIKE batshit crazy. We should get along juuuuust fine. LOL

  6. Megan Broutian
    July 5, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    El Oh El. I think we need to introduce you to some new, mentally more stable, leading men. And don’t even think about Russel Crowe! Trust me, guys like Ryan Gossling will motivate the crap outta your thigh-thinning endeavor!

    • July 5, 2012 at 12:38 pm

      Ryan is way too young. I really do have a thing for older men.

  7. brendan stallard
    July 5, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Suzie,

    Er, Tom Cruise is a decent actor. Not quite as good as many think, but no dope. I particularly liked him in, “Collateral.”

    There is one aspect of your fancying him that I quite worry might lead to disappointment, but as Mr Cruise is well known for having the lawyers from hell, I certainly won’t mention it here:)

    brendan

    • July 5, 2012 at 12:54 pm

      It’s nice of you to not mention why and crush my dream. Going with the adage, “Any publicity is good publicity.” Maybe his lawyers will come after me for this post. Just think, I would be able to see him in court. Again, no bursting my bubble :-)

  8. Muddah
    July 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    I am impressed that you are running and using your iPad at the same time. Maybe this will inspire me to move all the crap that is currently sitting on mine and actually use it for what it was intended….ohhhh how I hate to admit that it has been used as a storage unit…as my hubby predicted…and I adamantly denied. Oh the shame of it all! Anyway, so glad to see your post! Any news on your new book(s)?

    • July 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm

      My Ipad is great when I travel. I also use it to type police reports and search warrants while sitting in court. I do a lot of sitting in the courthouse and waiting, it was quite frustrating.

      I have a new paranormal romance book (written under my other name) coming out this month. I’m putting the finishing touches on it now. I’m halfway through writing Bad Luck in Small Town due out at the end of this year. I’ve begun writing a fiction novel for a writing contest next year. I’m also researching some additional history and court proceedings for a true-crime serial killer case I worked. I’m hoping to start writing the book in the next few months although I wrote the first chapter a year ago. I’m also hoping to begin writing Bad Luck Detective (release summer 2013) as soon as BL in Small Town is complete. I’m sure you’re sorry you asked :-)

      • Muddah
        July 5, 2012 at 2:33 pm

        Wow, Girl! Glad to hear there will be new reading material to add to my list. Let us know when they are released!

  9. July 5, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    What a fantastic title. And post in general. I would say “Your poor husband,” but the awesomeness of this list makes up for how your husband will feel when Tom whisks you away from him.

  10. July 6, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Laughing out loud here.

    • July 6, 2012 at 10:37 am

      Age doesn’t matter! A girl must have dreams :-)

      • July 6, 2012 at 3:55 pm

        You’ve got age on your side. You’re the experienced older woman.

      • July 6, 2012 at 6:22 pm

        Oh, the things I could teach him!

  11. July 6, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Your husband is a lucky guy. But how anyone can run and type on an Ipad beats me. Are you sure you weren’t just standing there thinking about running?

    • July 6, 2012 at 12:57 pm

      So, I pour my heart out hoping Tom will sweep me off my feet and you attack a small bit of dishonesty in this post. FINE, it was a fast walk. Do you feel better now?

  12. July 6, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    I’ve never really cared for Tom Cruise, but I have always LOVED Mel Gibson. I’ve even had a couple of dreams about him. We’ve had lunch, twice now…only lunch. Really! And then my kids pop into the picture and I am reminded that I am married and have kids. Sigh! So I understand about having your bubble, your dream busted. LOL!

    I am glad you shared this, because it gave me an opportunity to tell you to leave Mel out of your dreams, Amiga. He is all mine. But I still love you, Suzie! :)

    ~Virginia

    • July 6, 2012 at 12:59 pm

      You can have Mel, I’m switching all my fantasies to Matthew McConaughey. He is one lucky guy!!!

      • July 6, 2012 at 1:03 pm

        LOL!! Matthew is a hottie! But I have a new found.. um… “respect”, yeh, that’s it… respect… for his co-star Channing Tatum. Good GRIEF!! (fanning myself)

      • July 6, 2012 at 1:07 pm

        My daughter and I are heading to the movie on Sunday night. Shhhhh, we told our husbands it’s a book group. The movie trailer suggested this.

      • July 7, 2012 at 11:49 am

        Well, Suzie, you can have Matthew McConaughey, because all my heart still belongs to Sean Connery! :)

  13. July 10, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    Love how you paid homage to the Tom and Katie split. Only you could make something really funny out of it. Love it! What has surprised me is what took Katie so long to kick his butt to the curb? He is a total control freak. “Her name is Kate now”….what the heck is up with that? And for two people who have more money than they’ll ever know what to do with, how old will their daughter have to be before they introduce her to a brush and a comb. Good grief!

    • July 10, 2012 at 5:52 pm

      Thank you, I can’t stop laughing “introduce her to a brush and comb” I love you Annie!

  14. July 20, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    OMG, Suzie…You are now and forever will be my hero!!! :) This is amazing!

    • July 20, 2012 at 4:01 pm

      We must have fun now and then even if dreaming of a loser :-)

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