Home > Stories From Small Town > A Blog For Criminals

A Blog For Criminals

Cop blogs don’t pay so I was wondering if a criminal blog might. They probably already exist but who better, to teach the proper way to commit a crime than a cop. Also the Suzie Ivy Bloww Dryer© has not quite caught on.

To begin, I need a working blog title. Here are a few:

Robbing Banks the Right Way

How To Kill Your Husband in 10 Simple Steps

Smash and Grab the Big Stuff

Meth Addiction Made Easy

How To Go To Jail For 30 Days or Less

Cops and Rubbers (I’m the expert on this one)

Fifty Shades of Fraud

Keep This From Happening To You (this would be the blog logo)

I’ve checked and these titles are available on WordPress.

I believe education is the key. I was also thinking about the possibility of an advice column. Working title…

Crime Does Pay – Just Ask Suzie

Dear Suzie… (This would be kind of like Dear Abby meets Hannibal Lector)

I see newspapers syndicating me across the country. Just think how much their readership would increase. Contact: suzieivy at gmail dot com if you run a large media conglomerate.

Free Crime Tips of the Week:

Tape the drugs to your balls. Seriously we probably won’t find them

If you run, keep going. Most criminals return home. I stopped chasing these dummies a long time ago.

Never commit a crime on an empty stomach; cops don’t go after criminals until they’ve had a good meal

Use your siblings name and date of birth. The same gender is helpful but not required.

Never say you’ve only had two beers always say three.

You have the right to remain silent. Everyone knows this but crooks never shut up. SHUT UP!

Today is my 51st birthday. I share this exciting date with Amelia Earhart, my hero and Jennifer Lopez my look-a-like.

With the recent shooting in Colorado I needed laugher. I hope you were able to laugh with me. My thoughts and prayers go to all the first responders and their families and everyone affected by this senseless tragedy.       

  1. Muddah
    July 24, 2012 at 8:24 am | #1

    Happy Birthday!!! I hope it’s eventful…in a good way!

    • July 24, 2012 at 8:29 am | #2

      Thank you, I’m taking it easy and hoping to sneak in a nap.

  2. Ruby Tuesday
    July 24, 2012 at 8:33 am | #3

    Happy Birthday, lovely Suzie!

    • July 24, 2012 at 8:40 am | #4

      Thank you lovely Ruby :-) Rubies are my birthstone. Beautiful!

  3. July 24, 2012 at 8:50 am | #5

    Happy birthday. You’re brilliant. You’ve probably already given away way too many tips for free.

    • July 24, 2012 at 8:59 am | #6

      Darn, okay all criminals reading this post need to pay .25 per tip if they use it. I’ll add a Paypal button at the bottom :-)

  4. July 24, 2012 at 9:09 am | #7

    Wonderful. I’m going to steal these ideas. But I won’t tell you. I mean …er

    • July 24, 2012 at 9:14 am | #8

      Hey, the quarter goes to a worthy cause. I’m getting old and retirement is just around the corner. I really want a home in Maui :-)

  5. July 24, 2012 at 9:52 am | #9

    I almost choked on my lunch (from laughing) when I read “Keep this from happening to you”. Wishing you the happiest of birthdays, dear Suzie. I hope all your birthday wishes come true. ♥

    • July 24, 2012 at 9:59 am | #10

      Thank you, inspiration just hit on that one and I found the pic while looking at pictures of jail bars. Who knew?

  6. Cop Wannabe
    July 24, 2012 at 3:22 pm | #11

    First and foremost: Happy Birthday, Hero of Mine!

    Secondly, I LOVE this! I have read your entire blog from “cover to cover” this past weekend, and this ranks up there with assault by donut. :)

    Keep ‘em coming, Suzie! You keep me motivated AND inspired. :) You ROCK!!!!

    • July 24, 2012 at 3:24 pm | #12

      You are so much more than a cop wannabe, my future badge sister :-) How are the push-ups coming?

  7. July 24, 2012 at 5:55 pm | #13

    As always, you leave me with a giggle! It’s seriously difficult to pick, but I might say, “Tape the drugs to your balls….” wins for the most amusing visual!!!

    Happy Birthday :)

    • July 24, 2012 at 6:16 pm | #14

      I always wonder why criminals don’t do this. Seriously, as a female cop, I’d go find it. Doesn’t bother me. But the guys are very squeamish about touching other guys balls. Go figure :-)

  8. bjjs2022
    July 24, 2012 at 9:35 pm | #15

    Hahahaha fifty shades of fraud…. Super funny post!!

    • July 25, 2012 at 4:34 am | #16

      As a budding entrepreneur I must take advantage of the current market!

  9. Daddy
    July 26, 2012 at 3:50 pm | #17

    Cops & Rubbers is good – get all the spelling nazies rushing to their keyboards Plus, I sort of see cops and rubbers as a partnership. As a caution, “cest la vie, cest la guerre, say la fu*k all till you get a good lawyer”

    • July 27, 2012 at 8:56 am | #18

      You’ve given me a full on grin but not for what you might think. There is no typo in “Cops and Rubbers” I am a sex crimes detective and my bent on this is criminals are stupid and thank goodness not more educated in the condom physiology :-) Thank you!

  10. July 29, 2012 at 6:52 am | #19

    I am a little late, but happy birthday!!!
    I am partial to 50 shades of fraud…

    • July 29, 2012 at 7:20 am | #20

      I’m sufficiently recovered from too much celebrating and don’t mind the late HB :-) And, what can I say about 50 Shades? I was inspired to turn the ordinary in the extraordinary as far as blog titles go.

  11. August 1, 2012 at 4:36 pm | #21

    Reblogged this on lamurdercop.

  12. August 4, 2012 at 1:42 pm | #23

    On the better late than never… Happy Birthday! Can’t believe the Suzie Ivy Bloww Dryer© hasn’t caught on. I wonder if it is the use of the hanger or the ice tea glass that throws people?

  13. Lori Connel
    September 1, 2012 at 8:42 pm | #26

    I just finished reading Bad Luck Cadet. I really enjoyed it and have recommended it to my hubby. I just retired from 17 years as a 911 Dispatcher in Iowa City, IA and I was prepared not to like your book. You know what pessimists we in Law enforcement are! But like it I did. Can’t wait to read more of your stuff.
    Thanks, Lori

    • September 2, 2012 at 6:43 am | #27

      Oh Lori, you made me smile. I’m so glad you liked the book even if you didn’t want to. I know exactly what you mean about pessimism :-) Dispatching is such a tough job and the life line for law enforcement. Our dispatchers sit in a very small room with no windows for 10 to 12 hours. I can’t imagine 17 years of this but I take my hat off to you and bow my head. THANK YOU!

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