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Football and Firearms

Before I begin this post, I want to take a quick moment to talk about gun safety. A friend of mine, a 35 year officer, shot himself while cleaning his gun several years ago. He survived but it taught me a valuable lesson. When I clean my gun and magazines, I place my bullets in another room. As officers we become too complacent with our weapons and that’s when accidents happen. Now on with my story.

Raider Wall

I’m a football widow. It’s been that way for 33 years and you would think I’d get over it. I’m not simply talking all day Sunday, its Monday nights, and Thursday nights too. My husband coaches 7th grade football and he plays in two NFL fantasy leagues.

In our game room there is an entire wall dedicated to the Oakland Raiders. Don’t mention LA Raiders anywhere near my husband or you are likely to be tackled. That was a very dark time in his life.

When my children were young and playing competitive sports, my husband would tell them they had Raider blood. As you can see his enthusiasm runs deep.

I try to spend my widowhood wisely; I write, I read, and I complain. He ignores me because he’s too busy getting his exercise running back and forth between the television and his computer in the office; must check those points and must rearrange those players. My Ipad and laptop are off limits to him because he becomes violent and jumps around a lot depending on what’s happening in a game. I’m also happy when the cooler weather sets in and I can close the windows during games. Him screaming, “Go baby go,” cannot sound good to our neighbors.

I’ve always cleaned my gun once a month after range day. I put a vinyl tablecloth down at the kitchen table and then use a few sections of old newspaper to absorb spills and splashes.

A couple of years ago, once a week on Sundays, and only during football season, I began cleaning my gun every week down at the coffee table next to my husband and the seasonal love of his life.

While I lay down the newspaper, a jar of solvent, brushes, cotton swatches, and oil he doesn’t even look over. I slowly and methodically, with soft supple hands, dismantle Clint (Glock 35 .40 caliber) named after Dirty Harry, the love of my life during football season.

My Wall

I adoringly run my brush through the barrel and then using the cotton swatches make sure I get in between the crack of each separate part. I’m incredibly tender. I use a few drops of lubricant and make sure I have a gentle gliding feel. My hands are steady as I stroke the long cylinder. In my fingers the coldness turns to warmth. I place one drop of lubricant on each rear slide rail and massage it forward to the front slide rails. This relaxes me though my menopausal hot flashes seem to come more often during these sessions.

After Clint’s insides have shattered; slowly, ever so slowly, I place his pieces back together. Each part is a perfect fit. When my husband jumps up from the couch and cries out, I’m placing each piece in its proper slot and match him with silent words of my own, “Come baby come.” I’m in my own little world.

Also My Wall

My hand grasps the slide rail and release, I pull it back. Strongly gripping Clint, my arms extend and my eye lines up with the front sight. I take a deep breath and as the air slowly leaves my lungs, my finger makes slow steady pressure on the trigger.

“CLICK” I shoot Tom Brady in the ass. “Slide CLICK” I shoot Clay Mathews in the knee. “Slide CLICK” I shoot Charles Woodson in the arm.

My husband jumps up and runs into the other room ruining my fantasy. Our television is still in one piece, the players continue to pat each other on the butt getting all the fun, and I’m still a widow. But, for those thirty-minutes it’s the most stimulating feeling in the world.

  1. Melissa Crytzer Fry
    October 5, 2012 at 9:45 am | #1

    Oh my God is this hilarious… The sexual innuendo is to die for. And I busted out laughing at “Him screaming, “Go baby go,” cannot sound good to our neighbors.”… You are hilarious. Truly hilarious.

    • October 5, 2012 at 10:15 am | #2

      I had to save my sanity this football season somehow :-)

  2. October 5, 2012 at 12:39 pm | #3

    As a former ‘widow’ I loved this. Thanks for the laugh this morning. You are a real live character!!

  3. October 5, 2012 at 3:55 pm | #5

    SO FUNNY – I’m amazed he can sit through the process of you, right next to him, handling Clint with a gentle gliding feel, stroking the long cylinder, without getting seriously jealous, or at least noticing! :D (Then again, my husband isn’t a football addict. Computers, though…)

    • October 5, 2012 at 4:07 pm | #6

      I think computer and football widows have a lot in common. Are there any gaming widows out there?

      • October 5, 2012 at 5:44 pm | #7

        I’m a hunting widow…The next two weeks will be very quiet as he is gone up north starting Sunday….

      • October 5, 2012 at 5:53 pm | #8

        I have a daughter who is one of those. I think the first week would be kind of nice and then I would go stir crazy. There must be some sort of passive aggressive behavior that would make you feel better. I’ll think about it :-)

  4. Muddah
    October 5, 2012 at 4:27 pm | #9

    I read your post while waiting for a friend who was meeting me for lunch…sitting by myself chuckling out loud. You are a hoot! Thanks for the laugh!

    • October 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm | #10

      If people thought you were crazy that’s okay because you’re just one of the crowd here :-)

  5. Lulu
    October 6, 2012 at 2:21 am | #11

    I think you should think yourself blessed to be a football widow – with the exception of the dedicated wall! :-) I am a football, golf, hockey (maybe not this year), tennis, car racing, baseball and soccer widow. The only one that doesn’t interest him is basketball. Go figure! Yup – he’s dead and just doesn’t know it! I’m almost tempted to get a gun just so I can clean it beside him – you know – keep him company!! :-)

    Nah. Too much work. I’ll stick with my yellowed and frayed news copy of an old incident that was sensationalized many years ago – 1993. It was the account of John Bobbit – you know, the “unfortunate” man who had his man-parts removed by his wife Lorena via a knife in the dead of night. Yes – it was an article that made men shudder all over north america – and perhaps beyond. When I am really ticked, I pull the article out and leave it on a dresser or counter. Yes – I know it is passive aggressive – but it makes me smile.

    It always amazes me how a guy can sit 3 hours on his duff watching a game in which the minutes grind out painfully show – clock stoppages and all – and can’t wait 5 minutes in the car as you turn off/on the appropriate lights, lock the back door, feed the dog and run a brush through your hair. It is a mystery.

    Your hubby is a lucky guy!

    • October 6, 2012 at 6:36 am | #12

      Oh Lulu, you made me laugh and laugh. Of course I remember Mr. Bobbit. He was the unmanned of the year. My husband does watch basketball and I go mad in March but nothing compares to football lunacy. Thank you for the smiles and the shoulder to complain on.

  6. October 6, 2012 at 6:46 am | #13

    Blue isn’t into sports at all, or gaming, or golfing. I count my blessings in regards to what he is into; camping, hunting, fishing and researching anything and everything to do with those three things (and his job). He only goes out a few times a year and never for long periods of time due to being a police officer and owning a side business. He often expresses a desire for me to learn to hunt (I already like camping) so that I can join him, but with two littles and another one on the way it’s a bit difficult. Although, some of those baby carriers would probably work well for hiking through the woods looking for prairie chickens (just kidding).

    • October 6, 2012 at 6:54 am | #14

      Thank you for dropping by. I love your take on Blue’s adventures from your blog. I would never make it as a hunter of animals but there’s nothing like the hunt (investigation) for a criminal.

  7. October 6, 2012 at 10:55 am | #15

    I don’t think I’ve ever read anything like it.

  8. ashley47
    October 6, 2012 at 12:53 pm | #18

    Er, um….do you smoke a cigarette after “cleaning” Clint??????

    • October 6, 2012 at 1:04 pm | #19

      No but that’s a thought, I sure could use one :-)

  9. October 7, 2012 at 4:34 am | #20

    I assume he is not into politics? Way I read it other side of the pond, you could add that to your widowhoods. Do you have a pink holster too?

    • October 7, 2012 at 6:11 am | #21

      I’m the political junkie and I give him credit, he listens to me gripe as long as there is no football on. No pink holster. It’s not in policy, all outer gear must be black so the pink cuffs are kept inside their holster until I need them. Their’s a really cool pink Taser available but I can’t repeat my Chief’s response when I asked :-)

  10. Lori Connel
    October 7, 2012 at 7:40 am | #22

    So funny. I have heard lots of Officers talk about gun cleaning. A few have said they “do it in the privacy of their basement” so their spouse doesn’t know how many guns they have. One in particular is 3 times divorced and when he was going through his “last” divorce he started hiding guns with his fellow Officers so the soon to be ex didn’t make him claim them on his financial statement. Another form of addiction for sure!
    My hubby is one of the Computer addicts. Always has his smart phone out or is on his computer 16 hours a day. I have a pink Ruger LCP and a purple 38 Special and I think I will try your tactic of gun cleaning the next time I need some attention!. Love your blogs. They make me laugh.

    • October 7, 2012 at 7:50 am | #23

      Okay, I don’t think I can live without the purple .38 special. Gotta get me one and then sneak it in the house and hide it. LOL

  11. October 8, 2012 at 7:21 am | #24

    Hahaha! Gee Suzie, you’ve got me yearning for a Clint of my own. Too bad I don’t like guns and the hubby isn’t a sports fanatic. Then again maybe it’s time for us to take up some new vices. ;)

    Btw – beautifully written! If there was a writing contest for Best Non-Violent Sex Scene With a Gun you’d win hands down.

    • October 8, 2012 at 2:15 pm | #25

      Please let me know if you ever see that contest because I’m entering, at least if my husband is still breathing :-)

  12. October 22, 2012 at 4:21 pm | #26

    You write such great post. Thanks Suzie. :)

  13. November 14, 2012 at 8:20 am | #27

    Great post! Made a subscriber out of me! :D

    • November 14, 2012 at 9:45 pm | #28

      Thank you. I felt so much better after I hit the post button on this one. It relieved some more of my inner widow demon :-)

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