I don’t know if bad luck follows me, I make my own, or that god just knows I have a great sense of humor. Earlier this month, on a book-signing/convention trip to Vegas my journey began with marijuana and ended with marijuana.
Some readers might be saying, “Oh Suzie, what did you do?”
Seriously, I did nothing. This crap just makes for great blog posts!
I stayed in a room at the end of a long hallway. Directly across from me, the occupants of room 1599, smoked MJ the entire time I was there. We were the only two rooms at the end of the hall, and within twenty feet of approaching my door, you could smell it. Luckily, inside my room there was no odor.
It’s hard to stop being a detective and for five days I tried to get a look at my neighbors but never did. The smell was strongest when I came back to my room late at night and I think if I stood outside my room for any length of time, I would have received a second-hand induced high.
I didn’t, I swear!
After I returned from my trip, a friend asked why I didn’t notify people that I was signing books in Vegas. I’ll tell you a secret… I was petrified. It’s very difficult having an a.k.a., much less two and signing those names on books. It’s problematic enough when a reader asks to send their book to my house so I can sign and mail back. I’ve replaced several books, after giving them bad signatures, with my own copies. I now have a stack of unusable books in my closet.
At the signing event, I displayed paperbacks of Bad Luck Cadet & Officer alongside my romantic vampire fiction series, written under D’Elen McClain. My pink handcuffs sat between the two stacks and drew a lot of attention. When someone commented, I picked them up and said, “These pink handcuffs have arrested more child molesters and wife beaters than any pink handcuffs in the state of Arizona.”
True statement and I challenge anyone to prove me wrong.
So, at a predominately romance reader book signing, I sold lots of “Bad Luck” books. I’m happy to report that I managed to sign both my pen names without incident.
My closest partner/table mate at the signing was Wendy (W.L. Sexton). We actually met in the coffee shop that morning, started a conversation, and were friends before we walked out. As luck would have it, we were assigned side-by-side seats out of two hundred authors in attendance. Fate!
A few sales people approached and gave their, “Author, I can do this and this and this for you,” speech. Some were interesting and some not so much. One thirtyish dark haired woman, made my ivy sense kick into overdrive. I knew her and it wasn’t in a good way. She stopped giving her spiel to Wendy, turned to me and said, “I know you from somewhere.”
It clicked. I did know her and remembered arresting years ago.
“I recognize you too, I’m a police detective from Small Town, Arizona.”
Her sales pitch flew out the window and she left before Wendy or I could blink. I explained to Wendy that this was the reason my husband never argues when I take my gun everywhere. I was gunless at the signing and felt completely naked.
I woke up at 5am my final morning and decided to enjoy some quiet time, look through email, and drink some coffee at the outdoor café. Within five minutes of sitting down, a 65ish, older man joined me.
“How are you this morning?” he asked.
I’m 52, hadn’t bothered with makeup, and wore Diamondback’s Baseball flannel pajama bottoms and a really large black t-shirt.
This guy was obviously desperate to pick up a woman or considered me desperate enough to have him.
He told me all about his product. It actually cured dementia and Alzheimer’s, opened your mind to endless possibilities, and would help me lose weight.
This great wonderful product goes by the name… you got it, marijuana. If I smoked it only once a month, my entire universe would be cured of all the ills affecting me.
I gave him the look, smiled, and said, “I’m a cop!”
If you’re wondering if he got away with it don’t worry. Just for the “weight” comment alone, I promise his body will never be found.
I’ll be back in Vegas next July and I’ll give everyone plenty of notice in case you’d like to tag along for some bad luck.
A good officer/detective should thoroughly clean their desk/office every few years even if it doesn’t need it. I finally took the plunge and did a top to bottom muck-out (quite painful really). After heavy procrastination… I donned my gloves, mask, and full body suite and got to work.
Where does all this crap come from? Was my first, second, and third question. Plus, the undertaking took longer than expected because I re-read all the notes and letters sent by wonderful people, mostly victims of crimes, who expressed their appreciation in words.
My favorite included the picture of two brothers, who, after years of physical abuse, were removed and placed in foster care and their mother and step-father prosecuted. The card, with yellow sunflowers on the front opens to simply say, “Thank you. We are happy.” The picture shows them hanging upside down from a tree and smiling for the camera.
I found two letters that didn’t fit the victim scenario. One, from the wife of a man I arrested for road rage. She thanked me for treating her husband with respect. I remember that case so well because the suspect was more concerned with his wife of twenty years worrying about him than the consequences of his actions. I asked for his wife’s cell number, and then after leaving the jail, I called her to explain the circumstances of his arrest. I think the knock upside the head he received after returning home was far worse than his night in jail and the hefty monetary fine imposed, my kind of woman!
The other note that made me smile came from a seven-year-old boy, who bit his mother several times, and then proceeded to get the better of two officers because we didn’t want to hurt him. His scrawled apology included the words, “Thank you for not tasing me.” Gosh… why didn’t we think of that?
When my cleaning was said and done, I shredded two large bags of paper, found enough single bullets to fill my gun magazine, dusted, vacuumed, and beautified my surroundings, then gave a sigh of relief that I wouldn’t repeat the painful process again for years.
*Note* The State of Arizona lost 19 heroes in the Yarnell Fire. Please pray for their friends and families. The 100 Club of Arizona sent checks for $15,000 to each family within 48-hours of this tragedy and I want to thank this incredible organization for their never-ending support of law enforcement and fire. We stand taller because of all you do!
Have a wonderful 4th of July weekend and stay safe!
Summer’s here, I’m busy, and life swirls by faster than I can keep track of. I’ve been informed I will be a grandma again later this year. I know I should feel older but for some reason I don’t. I think grandkids keep me young and remind me there is life outside of the police department.
I know everyone (I may be exaggerating here) is impatiently awaiting the next Bad Luck book. The darn thing is 50% written and sits on the edge of my consciousness constantly. I’m also getting emails about the pink handcuff tour which will coincide with the book’s release. At some point, I need to sit down and work on Bad Luck in Small Town and I will, I promise, I really do!
I did manage to get in a wonderful vacation to Vegas and California’s wine country. We spent an afternoon in Murphys sampling too much wine. Nope, I wasn’t driving so was able to over imbibe. I discovered, as much as I love sweet red wines, I’m not a fan of desert wines. I guess liquid cake is just not my thing.
I received a call from my daughter a few weeks ago, after my 15-month old grandson locked her out of the house when she took the dogs outside to do their business. Bryson, the cute and lovable monster, then proceeded to crawl onto his diaper changing table and hit the emergency house alarm while his mother frantically tried to get back inside her fortress.
When the police showed up, she was holding a rock to break the back window and as you can imagine, things got a little hairy. When all was said, and done, one of the officers slipped a credit card against the locking mechanism and easily opened the door.
I’d like to thank those officers for asking question before shooting a woman armed with a rock, in the act of breaking and entering. I’d also like to thank them for improving my daughter’s home safety measures so she now owns a better lock. Bryson has no clue about the trouble he caused, but gosh, payback is a bitch, and my daughter was just like her son. I truly can’t wait until he’s a teenager and gives his mother lots of gray hair. I’m really evil that way.
Until next time, stay safe and be happy.
With the tragedies in Boston and West Texas, I felt the need to write something on the lighter side and step away from the turmoil overwhelming me. I’m sharing my smiling moment of the week to see if my humor is contagious.
Cop magazines inundate the Small Town Police Department every month. I usually have one or two sitting on my desk and I peruse them while waiting on the phone or eating lunch at my desk.
These journals include American Police Beat, Law Officer, LET (Law Enforcement Technology), and American Cop but there are many more. The majority of the magazines sit around the squad room taking up space, cause a mess, and get in our way. My fellow officers (the guys) ooh and awe over the latest police gear, ultra-cool Taser resistant gloves, the hot new police cruisers with all the bells and whistles that our small agency can’t afford, and every tactical gadget on the market.
Flipping through the pages of one of these magazines this week, I came across an advertisement for a new police flashlight. The pictures are the first thing that caught my attention. I started reading the ad and began laughing until tears slipped down my face.
If you’ve been pulled over at night, and had an officer point a flashlight in your eyes you’ll cringe at the pictures below. Looking for your driver’s license and registration, under these circumstances is almost impossible. But, for officers, these flashlights save our lives and many times during my stint at the police academy, I was on the receiving end of their use during practice scenarios. Hours later, when I went to bed, spots remained in my eyes. I know someone out there is screaming about the damage to eyesight but I can’t imagine pepper spray in the eyes is any less harmful and I suffered that too.
This brings me to the ad—“Lumen Face” the latest and greatest Streamlight rechargeable flashlight. I own two of their older models in two sizes and though I’ve tried other brands, Streamlight is my favorite. I finished laughing, read the remainder of the magazine, and then carried it back to the squad room. An hour later I found myself chuckling again, and retrieved the magazine to cut out the ad for my wall.
Some people may not have my twisted sense of humor and if so I hope you’re absolutely horrified (please). I absolutely must get this new light, the Lumen Face +500 lumens. When I arrest someone and get a Lumen Face booking photo, I will share it with you. Seriously their advertising states, “They’ll still be squinting after they’re booked.” Now I just need $150.00 to purchase it.
At this moment, I’m not my happy, humorous self. I’m angry. You might even say… I’M PISSED OFF!
I’m talking about the Steubenville, Ohio rape case. The one where this past week we’ve been subjected to the two young men who raped the unconscious young woman, and now are breaking down in tears. We’ve seen and heard the media speak about their lives being ruined.
My post is about the victim, the girl who stood up against a town, a media blitz, her school, and many of her classmates.
I’ve sat in court and witnessed what victims go through. I’ve seen the pain and humiliation cast upon them. I’ve held the hands of victims while the pictures of their vagina and anus are shown in an open courtroom. I’ve sat still, controlling my tears while they’ve been up on the stand, looking into the eyes of suspects’ families and friends that hate them, and explained, in minute detail, about their sexual assault.
I’ve read the L.A.Times article. Keep reading… Towards the bottom of the Times deatribe you’ll find information that mentions the victim. You’ll see how she discovered her rape and the uphill battle she faced to prosecute the guilty.
Or better yet, the heartrending dialog on CNN to build sympathy for the rapists.
On the other hand, I appreciated the article by The New Yorker that pointed out the other suspects that have gone unpunished and the many blog posts that fight for this victim and all survivors of sexual assault.
Today, two more juveniles were arrested. After the judge imposed sentencing, two girls sent out Twitter messages including death threats and promised to assault the victim Hmm, still no prosecution for the one’s actually involved but these two are seeing a little juvenile detention time.
I taught my children that everyone present at a crime, can be charged. I wasn’t a police officer then.
Moms and dads, have a very long and serious talk with your children. Send out the RIGHT MESSAGE.
Juvenile witnesses of the rape stated they did nothing because the boys were only having sex and not “hurting” the victim. I cry BULLSHIT! These “witnesses” should be charged.
I know there are good adults and upstanding young men and women that did the right thing in this case. I thank you for your willingness to stand against evil (yes I said EVIL).
My words for the victim: I cry for every minute you’ve suffered and the horrible trial you’ve been subjected to. I cry for the years of pain ahead of you. But, I also have hope that you will fight through this and succeed in life. You will teach your daughters about strength and courage. Who better than you! I have hope that your sons will be different types of men and even as teenagers they will respect everyone regardless of gender but most of all respect themselves.
I pray that you and your family find peace.
Jeff is new to our department and graduated from the academy about six months ago. He did well but had a bit of trouble with academics. He still managed to make it through with a 79 average. I will never hold my 96 over his head unless it’s to say, “That’s why I’m the detective.” I use this line on all the guys when they think they’re too smart for their britches.
Jeff received a call for a possible stolen vehicle at our small, but well stocked grocery store. I was in the office and the only supervisor on duty (no raise for this, no stripes, just more work) I could see his excitement and decided to let him handle it on his own.
Jeff ran out the door like he was heading to an active shooter. I smiled.
He radioed from the scene and put out an ATL (attempt to locate) on the missing car. His voice was excited but professional. The stolen vehicle was a gold, four-door, 2010 Buick Allure, possibly heading east. I decided to take a drive around the outskirts of town just in case. Unfortunately, I had no luck but it felt good to get away from my office and report writing.
Just as I put my signal on to re-enter the police department parking lot, I heard Jeff call over the radio that he was doing a “high risk” stop on the stolen vehicle. I pulled back into traffic, activated my lights, and sped to his location. My “fan” beside his vehicle was training perfect and I let him continue the lead.
With both of us positioned; driver’s doors open, sitting in the “V”, and guns drawn… we were ready. Jeff used his radio’s loudspeaker to give directions.
“Put your hands up where I can see them.”
Small, tentative hands went into the air. I started thinking we had a young juvenile car thief on our hands.
“Using your left hand only, open your car door and push it wide with your foot.”
The door opened and a slender leg with a high heeled foot pushed the door. The driver’s head turned around and Joleen from the sheriff’s office looked back at us. She wasn’t happy.
“Umm Officer Davis, I yelled, That’s Joleen.”
“I don’t know her last name but she works at the sheriff’s office.”
“Well she’s in a stolen car.”
“There might be another explanation.”
“The car’s stolen and she’s driving it.”
“Okay, it’s your call but don’t get trigger happy.” He was a rookie after all and I had to say something.
He continued his instructions, “Using your left hand, turn off the vehicle, and toss your keys out the door.”
I could hear the frustration in her voice, “My vehicle’s already off. What’s going on?” she yelled back.
Jeff didn’t miss a beat, “Take them out of the ignition, and toss them outside the vehicle.”
An angry hand threw the keys quite a distance away. Joleen had a pretty good arm.
Jeff went by the book and eventually Jollen was walking slowly toward us.
I only waited until she was at the halfway point, “Hi Joleen, it’s Suzie, the vehicle you’re driving was reported stolen.”
“It’s my neighbor’s vehicle. Mine broke down and she said I could use it to go to the store for milk.”
“Who’s your neighbor?”
“Michelle Rankin.” I knew Michelle.
“Jeff, who does this vehicle come back to?”
My detective brain gears turned quickly. “What color is the vehicle you borrowed Joleen?”
“Jeff, was there another gold vehicle in the parking lot near where Mr. Barley’s vehicle was parked?”
“Yes, but it was a few spaces away.”
“Did it look like this one?”
“Joleen, are you armed?”
“Then put your arms down.”
She continued walking to us and I got out of my car. I saw Jeff’s gun following her. “Jeff, put your gun away.”
Joleen began shaking and I thought she was going to cry. “Did you leave the keys in the vehicle when you went inside Joleen?”
“You know you took the wrong car.”
“I just figured that out.” I smiled which caused her to finally break down in tears. Jeff wasn’t sure what to do.
We called Mr. Barley and his wife drove him to our location. He drove away in his car after Joleen removed her milk and apologized profusely. Mr. Barley laughed and gave her a hug. I let her ride in my passenger seat and took her back to Michelle’s vehicle which, thank god, was still in the parking lot.
Poor Jeff, this is his rookie mistake and he’ll never live it down. I know it sounds like I live in Mayberry R.F.D. and some days it feels like it. If you didn’t know, R.F.D. stands for Rural Free Delivery or in my wishful thinking, Rookie Free Departments.
The picture above is a 2010 Buick Allure (Mr. Barley’s vehicle) and the one here is a 2004 Chevy Malibu (Michelle’s vehicle) but please, I’m no longer a rookie and would have solved this case in minutes because I would have run the plate of the other gold vehicle. I stopped believing in coincidence after my first year on the job.
I bet Jeff does the same thing but then again, that’s why I’m the detective.
I meet so many incredible people online. I talk about you at work. I tell funny stories from comments on my blog and relay the Twitter conversations that make me smile. I’ve met police officers from around the world and learned about our differences but more than that, I learn what all my brothers and sisters in blue have in common. We are a worldwide family.
I spent this past Tuesday at the shooting range having a great time. For some reason though, it left me with a pinched nerve in my neck and a raging headache. No old age comments please. I don’t usually get headaches so I wasn’t very accommodating for the next few days while it ran its course.
But, I woke up Saturday feeling better and decided to catch up on the social media end of writing. I checked in with friends, read their Tweets, and read new blog posts.
I have a good police friend in Ireland who entertains me constantly with his humorous wit. His wife doesn’t think he’s quite as funny but it’s obvious he’s loved. I first noticed his Twitter avatar picture had changed and then I started reading the Tweets I’ve missed.
For my friend Jason, life has not been good and he’s in a rough place right now.
On Friday, an Irish police officer/detective tragically died. In Ireland they’re called “An Garda Siochana.” Detective Garda Adrian Donohoe, a father of two, was gunned down a half mile from his home as he tried to stop fleeing suspects during a robbery at a credit union in Co Louth.
Detective Garda Adrian Donohoe’s wife and two brothers are also An Garda Siochana and share the brother and sisterhood of the badge. From reading the articles about his life, Garda Donohoe and his family have dedicated their lives to protect the people they serve.
Regardless of the thousands of miles and great ocean separating our service, Detective Garda Donohoe wore a badge and I honor his life and sacrifice. My friend Jason’s sadness has no barrier when touching my heart and I grieve with him. For everyone who served with Detective Garda Donohoe, these next months will be incredibly difficult. Please stay safe!
To all Detective Garda Donohoe’s family, friends, and brothers and sisters in blue; may his memory bring you comfort, may his sacrifice make you proud and may you find peace in knowing we never forget those who give their lives to save others. Detective Garda Adrian Donohoe may you Rest in Peace.
The following links give additional information about this tragic story: