Home > Stories From Small Town > A Sweet and Sticky Assault

A Sweet and Sticky Assault

Everyone knows cops and donuts go hand in hand. Just for the fun of it I looked into the history of this tag team match. Most agree it became common for the two to be linked due to donut shops being the place to buy coffee and a sweet snack early in the morning. This was before Circle K and 7-Eleven appeared on every corner. Donut shops also have a history of allowing uniformed police officers inside before hours to fill up on coffee while the fresh baked wonders are being prepared. 

For me donuts have a slightly different significance. While working the day shift, I was dispatched to our local 24-hour convenience store for a female being disorderly. The female, Mrs. C, was upset because the fresh donut case was filled with stale donuts. When I arrived she was yelling at the clerk and trying to get her to hold and feel a hard donut. The clerk was looking at me with huge eyes and a “what the hell” expression.

I had dealt with Mrs. C before. She is seventy-two years old and sharp as a tack. Mrs. C is not very fond of me. Her dislike started the first time I encountered her and I refused to jump to her tune.

Standing in the store that morning, I was trying to decide how best to handle a disorderly grandma. I thought if I could get her outside, I could deescalate the situation. I asked quite nicely.

Mrs. C’s face got red and she used the donut to point in my direction while yelling angrily, “I come here every morning for fresh donuts. This one is hard as a rock and it’s the only jelly filled left. You’re a cop, you know your donuts. Here, you see how stale it is.”

I was unceremoniously handed the donut. It was a natural reflex and I took it using my gun hand, which was not my brightest move. The donut was hard and sticky. I again asked Mrs. C to step outside. I backed slightly away and opened the door. 

I thought she was walking towards me but she stopped at the donut case, reached her hand inside and grabbed another pastry. The ultra-stiff projectile flew through the air and hit the clerk in the face. Mrs. C was yelling as she again took aim, “This is the only place in town that advertises fresh donuts. Here have another stale one.” This donut missed the clerk by about an inch.

I still had the jelly filled pastry in my right hand and I let it fall to the floor. My fingers were sticky so I used my left hand to pull out my handcuffs. Mrs. C saw my cuffs and backed away after grabbing two more gummy missiles. She let them fly. I was peppered with a chocolate frosted and a cinnamon twist.

I grabbed Mrs. C’s right arm, pulling it behind her and getting the cuff on her wrist. Before I could grab her left hand my face was smeared with dark frosting.

So there I was, covered in donuts and arresting a seventy two year old woman for assaulting an officer and a store clerk. Whether it was to my benefit or detriment, the store had video of the entire encounter. The clerk decided not to press charges so I was left to appear in court and explain my assault by donut all alone. How the judge managed to keep a straight face while reading the official complaint was beyond me. My entire department decided they had nothing better to do than arrive in court to support me. I had my own cheering, laughing and comedic section in the third row. Mrs. C had her six children and fourteen grandchildren in rows four, five, and six.

The charges against her were pled to simple assault and she was given probation and 30 hours community work service. We greet each other cordially when passing on the street. Mrs. C has been banned from the store and their donuts for life. Over the next six months a box of donuts mysteriously appeared on my desk about once a week. I would move them to the break room and they would just as mysteriously disappear.

I don’t get any more donut jokes in Small Town. I am the donut joke. Life as a cop can be dangerous, exhausting and humiliating. Have I mentioned that I hate donuts?

Until next time,
Detective Ivy signing off

Next Small Town post: Guns, Pink Handcuffs and Alcohol

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  1. August 3, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    Isn’t it wonderful how cops stick together and back each other up? LMAO, Suzie…and I don’t blame you a bit for your dislike of donuts!

    • August 3, 2011 at 8:38 pm

      I wish I could say with a straight face that I wouldn’t have enjoyed this happening to someone else. My Sgt. has a great rookie tricycle story he’s never lived down though.

  2. August 3, 2011 at 10:51 pm

    Nice to hear from you again)) I was thinking today, that I have not seen your new posts lately…
    Take care and looking forward for more new posts from you! Thank you!

    • August 4, 2011 at 9:23 pm

      Thank you, I’ve been working hard on my novel and the blog gets overlooked. I will try harder.

  3. August 5, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    Suzie, thanks for tweeting this. Frickin’ hilarious. I knew doughnuts made me queasy for a reason.

  4. August 6, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Another fun read!! Love your Stories From Small Town. Keep ’em coming!

  5. August 7, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Amazing what some people will do when they can’t get the donut they want….That’s a pretty funny story!! I worked in a donut shop when I graduated from high school, and thank goodness I never ran across this kind of customer! (p.s. still, I can’t help feeling sorry for her, jelly donuts are my fave too, and when they’re stale they are disgusting…. not that I’m suggesting violence is EVER an option!)

    • August 9, 2011 at 7:31 am

      I must argue over the best donut. Mine is cinnamon so the twist really did me in.

  6. August 8, 2011 at 6:08 am

    I am laughing out loud at this. This is terrific.

  7. August 9, 2011 at 6:18 am

    I love doughnuts! Yeah, I noticed that police often eat doughnuts, why is that, anyway? On the other hand, without mentioning the security and other advantages of police careers , joining the police force can be one of the most defining moments of your life. Coupled with passion and integrity, you can prove to others that police jobs are honourable and fulfilling!

    • August 9, 2011 at 7:18 am

      This recruitment ad showed up in my spam folder. This is the first time I have ever approved spam but I couldn’t help but dream about visiting the UK and working as a police exchange student. Not sure they even have an exchange program but they should. I’ll keep dreaming!

  8. woacf
    August 10, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    Suzie, I am so glad you stuck to your guns on that. lol. I just recently woke my officer up with a box of munchkins from DD. Figured, if he came off several 24 hour shifts in one week, he deserved some sugar for breakfast! Speaking of Mrs. C….everyone has a Mrs. C, right? I think I inherited one by marriage.

  9. August 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Hahahaha! Awesome! You poor thing!

  10. August 17, 2011 at 5:45 am

    Oh. My. Gosh. You’re a character on SNL. You should be getting roylaties!

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