Policing, Suzie Ivy Style
I’ve written about the juvenile hooligans in town loving my pink handcuffs and it’s true, but there are times they hate to see me coming.
I’m a seatbelt fanatic! I cringe when I see someone not wearing one or God forbid, not buckling up their children. I’m not even a little bit nice about it. The kids in town know my rules. If they are caught driving without a seatbelt, they get out of their vehicle and give me 100 pushups. This goes for every child in the vehicle twelve and over. If they are under twelve, the driver does their pushups for them. I’ve stood by, on the sidewalk, and had as many as six teenagers taking their punishments. Cars honk as they drive by. No parent has ever complained.
The other night, two Mormon missionaries ran a stop sign (they drive a vehicle because we are so rural). I pulled them over and asked what the book of Mormon taught them. The driver wasn’t sure how to answer so I asked if it says anything about running stop signs.
“No, but I’m sorry for running the stop sign.”
“It teaches you not to lie, so thank you for the truth and next time STOP.”
As I got back in our unit, Jim was shaking his head. “How do you get away with these things?” Jim gets quite a few complaints. He’s a good guy and a great cop but he does not have the GRANDMOTHER touch.
I’ve arrived at domestic calls where kids and parents are yelling at each other. I’ve sent them all to their rooms for the night. It’s comical to see adults trudging away with their heads down. These moms and dads have no parenting skills to speak of. I teach them about taking personal time outs.
I never spanked my oldest two children. My youngest was a handful and she was spanked regularly. It never helped her but for the most part made me feel better (It’s too late to call CPS, she’s grown and moved away). On the job, I’ve stood by and watched as parents spank their kids. I’m there to make sure it doesn’t get out of hand but mostly for the embarrassment factor. Usually, I tell the parent they can spank harder.
A young man in high school stopped me at the park the other day. He was with his friends and asked if I remembered watching as his mom spanked him several years ago.
Yes, I remembered. “Did she ever spank you again?” I couldn’t help but ask.
“No, because I was afraid she would call you to watch.” His friends all snickered.
“Well then I guess it worked.”
“Will you watch me spank my kids when I have them because I don’t really want to do it more than once?”
It did work, what can I say?
My granddaughter was refusing to poop on the potty but was made to sit in her pull up on the toilet seat while going. She’s four-years-old. I suggested cutting a hole in the pull up. My daughter said I was brilliant. She’s the one I spanked. She’s a great mom and will be a brilliant grandma. This paragraph has little to do with policing but I wanted to pat myself on the back.
Now let me talk about hugs. I’m a hugger. I’ve hugged quite a few people before I leave them at the jail. They hug me again when they are released and let me know how they’re doing. At the very least, I shake their hand. I’ve had maybe ten arrestees I haven’t done this with. I live in a very small town. Sooner or later I run into everyone. I feel hugs make me safer. I also get wonderful information with whispers in my ear, “I have some info for you.” or “Such and such knows who’s doing the burgs.” All this in a hug.
If you are a big city cop (my son-in-law), you are jumping up and down and screaming by now but that’s okay. I’m hoping you can feel my hug from here.
I love my job. I’m often unorthodox in performing my duties but that’s just me. In twenty years Jim might be able to get away with some of the things I do. His smile needs improvement though.
Bill Trantham is the artist for my caricature. You can find him at http://sillybill.com
If you are troubled about my perspective and the way I do my job, please bypass the chain of command and take it straight to the top. Email President Obama