Home > Stories From Small Town > Agent Bacon: Declassified

Agent Bacon: Declassified

My ringing cell phone was displaying “Dispatch” on the caller ID. I answered groggily. I wasn’t on call but at a small department, if you’re in town, you are available.

“Yes, what’s up?”

“You have a code red.” The phone line went dead.

My eyes immediately snapped open with those words. I had a very small part in a national emergency organization. I’d been attending meetings and trainings for just this situation. “Code Red” was the signal to put that training into action.

I threw on my uniform and was out the door in my squad car before my husband could wake up and ask me what was happening. I couldn’t talk about a “Code Red” even to him.

I drove to a pre-arranged location and activated my overhead red and blue lights. A split second later, Agent Bacon appeared out of nowhere. He had that lean athletic body you associate with someone in his lethal profession.

My first meeting with Agent Bacon

His deep baritone voice relayed my assignment. “Detective Ivy, due to the seriousness of this situation it is imperative that we have your help. We believe a major breach in national security is placing the lives of your residents, family and friends in possible peril. With utmost secrecy we need you to infiltrate this group and discover if they are acting with this Country’s best interest at heart. Do you have any questions?”

“I know most of the town’s citizens. Could you be more specific in who you think this is?”

“Yes, It’s a group of women that use their sewing circle as cover for what might be a major move against our government. They go by the name, ‘Stitch & Bitch.”

My mind was whirling. My mother sometimes attended the Stitch & Bitch sewing circle. I knew she would have told me if there was anything sinister happening. I explained my mother’s association with the group.

“We are aware of your Mother’s involvement.”

My breath caught and before he could continue I said, “My mother is as American as apple pie and would never do anything to harm her family or friends, much less this country.”

“We believe your Mother to be innocent in what we think is happening within the internal organization and believe the mastermind is Betty Clark”

Now Betty Clark was not the most enduring person in town, she once complained on me for writing her grandson a speeding ticket. I could not picture her plotting against our government though.

Remembering my training and the oath I swore when becoming a police officer, I could do nothing but my job. It was up to me and Agent Bacon to assure Small Town was not in danger.

My mother was shocked when I asked to attend the next Stitch & Bitch session with her. I was quite uncoordinated with needle and thread though I was somewhat good at bitching. The group met at Betty’s house once a month. I brought my husband’s socks to mend along with a wired button camera attached to my shirt. My fear was minimal because I knew Agent Bacon and my favorite K9 Astro were close by and would come to my rescue if I needed help.

Astro and Agent Bacon working together

The meeting started and I was not surprised over the topic; who was cheating on whom. I wasn’t aware of most of the affairs they discussed but I didn’t doubt the validity. We live in a small town and marital affairs are the leading gossip.

I was drifting into a sleepy lull when Betty brought up the “secret cookie caper.” Those were her exact words. Everyone got up and walked into her kitchen. There were cookies everywhere. I also noticed small pieces of paper, cut into inch long squares, haphazardly discarded on the counter. There were words written on the pieces but I could not make them out. Maybe they were a code.

I was beginning to get nervous as everyone took their place, put on plastic gloves, and began packaging the cookies into plastic baggies.

I followed suit, donning a pair of gloves, and with great care managed to secret several cookies into my pocket. I wasn’t sure they would survive intact but I had a gut feeling that these cookies were the clue to the breach in national security.

After the cookies were packaged they were placed in boxes and sealed. Everyone was cheerfully talking but not saying anything about where the cookies were going. I helped load the boxes in the back of my mother’s vehicle before we went back inside to finish the mending. No one seemed nervous. I was confused but kept up with the conversation and threw in my two cents so the ladies knew I was worthy of their grumbling.

When the group broke up, I hurried to my car. My Mom drove away with a wave. I waited a few minutes and then followed her. She drove to the home of one of our postal workers. I stayed back behind some trees and watched as she carried the boxes, one by one, to the porch and then rang the doorbell. She then got in her car and drove away.

My dread was palpable. I headed back to the pre-arranged location given to me by Agent Bacon. He was waiting. I could see a look of concern in his eyes. I handed over the crumbled evidence and noticed slips of paper falling from the broken cookies.

We lay them out on the hood of my car. I picked up one slip of paper and began to read.

“Thank you for your service to this great country.” Another read, “We support you and your efforts.”

Confused, I looked up at Agent Bacon.

“I think there has been a misunderstanding. We need to speak with your mother.”

I was happy to hear those words. I knew my mother could explain what was going on. Agent Bacon drove with me and Astro to my Mom’s house. She looked confused when she answered the door and saw the three of us but invited us in.

Agent Bacon got right to the point. “We need to know where the cookies, you left at the postal clerk’s house, are going.”

My mom looked at me and then back at Agent Bacon. “We are sending the cookies to our troops fighting overseas. We are doing it anonymously and Frank, our postal clerk, is helping us. We paid him the money for postage if that is what you are worried about.”

“No ma’am, we were given a tip that something unethical was happening in Small Town regarding the Stitch & Bitch group. With the current state of our country’s security, it had to be investigated. We owe your club a debt of gratitude for caring about our men and women fighting for this country. May I ask why you are not drawing attention to what you are doing?”

“Our group is made of women from every political group imaginable. We have found a way to get along, which is currently a foreign philosophy in our great nation. We decided the special things we do would be done out of the goodness of our hearts and not for need of any reward.”

I was grinning as we left my mom’s home. Agent Bacon assured me he would set matters straight. He is a busy man and he was gone in the blink of an eye. I wondered if I would ever work with him again.

My Chief and Agent Bacon

Later that year Agent Bacon arrived and gave my Chief a commendation for our department and offered thanks for my help in a time of crisis. My Chief accepted on my behalf.

This story is brought to you because it has now been declassified. Agent Bacon continues his good work keeping our Country safe. I must wonder though, “Where he will be spotted next?”

Agent Bacon a.k.a. Mr. Bacon’s adventures started back in August. Journalist Patrick Ross introduced his sidekick, Mr. Bacon, to the blogosphere. Good for a laugh, Mr. Bacon was also a symbol of Patrick’s love for bacon (as well as his affection for bendy bacon toys). Then something interesting happened. Mr. Bacon took the writing world by storm. Writers tweeted Mr. Bacon’s adventures, responding warmly to the hint of his bacony aroma. Visit Patrick’s Blog.

For further adventures of Mr. Bacon you can visit the following blogs: What I Saw, Wordsxo, Cynthia Robertson Writer, and Fear of Writing

  1. Suz
    November 28, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    That was awesome!

    • November 28, 2011 at 7:08 pm

      It was quite different from my normal post but fun. Thank you!

  2. November 28, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    Wow! Different book is “brewing”? 🙂

    • November 28, 2011 at 8:33 pm

      Oh, never thought of that:-)

  3. November 28, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    I so needed this laugh! Stitch and bitch– LMAO! Bwah-ha-ha. Thank you!

    • November 28, 2011 at 8:35 pm

      Stitch and Bitch is the name of my mother in law’s sewing group. She doesn’t know I stole it for this post.

  4. November 28, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    P.S. Love the new look of your blog, too!

  5. November 28, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    I can’t say I have ever heard of a “Stitch and Bitch” group. LOL I just finished reading your book tonight about your academy experience. It was great!

    • November 28, 2011 at 9:59 pm

      Thank you so much for reading! I want to get my own Stitch and Bitch group going but we will do no sewing only bitching.

  6. November 28, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    I need to learn how to sew, ’cause I have plenty of bitchin’ that I can share with a group! Great post, thanks for the giggle!

    • November 28, 2011 at 10:01 pm

      Maybe I’ll start a new blog called the Stitch and Bitch. You can be my first member. No sewing required!

  7. November 29, 2011 at 5:30 am

    The Stitch and Bitch…I love it. Laughed out loud reading this Suzie. Mr. Bacon’s got so many sides to him, doesn’t he? Kind of an international man-of-mystery kind of guy. 🙂

  8. November 29, 2011 at 8:43 am

    Hey Suzie! I made it through the academy, we finished in mid July. That very day I moved to S. P. to start the job. My FTO period was about 13 weeks long and I was just recently cut loose from training, a few days a head of schedule. I’ve been on my own for about 4 weeks now and I love it!! I stopped blogging while in the academy simply because I didn’t have enough time. Now that I am out on the street, I have all the time in the world. The problem now is that I’m paranoid that I would post something that could get me in trouble at work. Our probation period is the equivalent to a year. How did your department respond to your blogging? How do your coworkers feel about it? I feel like some depts. are very skeptical when it comes to officers posting things online that are related to work. How do you go about doing this without getting yourself in a bind?

    • November 30, 2011 at 9:54 pm

      Hi Thomas,
      Congratulations!!! I worried about you so much and am excited that you made it through the academy. I’ve sent you an email at the account listed on this comment. If that is not a good email for you please contact me at suzie ivy @ ymail .com (all one word). You have no idea how great it is to hear from you!

  9. November 29, 2011 at 8:51 am

    Way too funny!!

    I somehow missed Mr. Bacon’s previous visits to other bloggers. So when I read this through my email subscription – that does not show pictures – I enjoyed the spoofing, but was totally clueless as to Mr. Bacon’s unusual physical form and his inanimate demeanor until I clicked on your blog to leave a comment.

    What a surprise to see Mr. Bacon is all his plastic, porkalicious splendor.

    Well done!!!

    Kudos to all the other writers (at What I Saw, Wordsxo, Cynthia Robertson Writer, and Fear of Writing) of Mr. Bacon’s adventures!! They all were hysterical to read.

    Any chance of him visiting me some time?

    • November 29, 2011 at 9:11 am

      Melissa at “What I Saw” sets up Mr. Bacon’s blog tours. I would love to see what you would do. Too funny readng this post without pictures. I can’t imagine how you kept from thinking Suzie went off the deep end!

  10. November 29, 2011 at 10:12 am

    Oh my, Suzie. Totally hilarious. That first photo had me laughing aloud. My favorite line: “I was quite uncoordinated with needle and thread though I was somewhat good at bitching.” Ha ha… And that your mom’s group is actually named that is even funnier. I like the deeper meaning, though, hidden among the spoofing – about service to country and the state of our current government. Nicely done! I’ll contact Linda, too ;-).

    • November 29, 2011 at 10:32 am

      I try to stay away from a political agenda but some things slip out here and there. I actually hate sewing and I’ve always known what I’m best at:-)

  11. November 29, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Love this, Suzie. Mr. Bacon really gets around. He’ll be over on my blog next week. 🙂

    • November 29, 2011 at 10:46 am

      I hope everyone will visit Agent/Mr. Bacon’s next blog stop. I know I will, I miss him already! Let us know the post date. http:vvdenman.com

  12. November 29, 2011 at 11:27 am

    I’m sorry Suzie, but I have to say that Agent Bacon is my new favorite police officer — I hope I haven’t offended you! And to get bacon and cookies in one blog? Almost too much to ask! Add to that your mom and her lovely (and fun!! yes, I’m envious) group to be doing such a selfless and amazing kindness for our troops — is what makes this post so very special! (p.s. K-9 Astro and my Abby look like cousins!)

    • November 29, 2011 at 12:00 pm

      Agent Bacon is my favorite new officer too but don’t tell my guys I said that.

  13. November 29, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Bahahaha~ So funny! I’m actually hosting a Stitch & Bitch at my house this Sunday! No covert cookie operations happening though. Just some actual stitching & lots of bitching 🙂
    My mom, my girls, SIL, and a couple of good friends are heading over~ breaking out the fondue pot for the first time. Too bad you don’t live closer!!

    • November 29, 2011 at 12:04 pm

      Oh, I would love to be there. Fondue sounds wonderful! You are an incredibly gifted person with your crafts. I am totally envious and can’t wait to see what you ladies are up to.

  14. wildwillows
    November 29, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    I miss my dept and my job but i love reading your blog

  15. November 30, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    Kudos to Stitch & Bitch! And to Agent Bacon. And to you Suzie for your special training.

  16. December 6, 2011 at 11:53 am

    My apologies for arriving late to Mr. Bacon’s adventure here in a guise unfamiliar to me, Agent Bacon. He does indeed seem lean, although I don’t mind my bacon a little fatty. This was a great read, with fun photos. It seems to me the Chief has eaten a bit of bacon himself in recent years.

    • December 6, 2011 at 10:07 pm

      I loved my visit with Mr. Bacon and yes, my Chief needs to try the turkey variety.

  1. December 6, 2011 at 3:35 am

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