Home > Stories From Small Town > A Perfect Police Christmas

A Perfect Police Christmas

I worked Thanksgiving so I could have Christmas off. I just found out I will be working Christmas too. We are shorthanded and it’s just the way it is. I’ve decided to make up my own Christmas Day Christmas list for street patrol.

All I want for Christmas…

#1 Stop at stop signs! It’s easy. Place your foot squarely on the brake, apply pressure and push to the floor. It works every time.

#2 No drugs! Cocaine, heroin and meth are bad for you. Try making it an early New Year’s resolution and stop now. If the snow reminds you of what you are giving up, dig a hole and jump in. If you hit bottom after twelve inches, you did the right thing. If you hit bottom at twelve feet then you’re just stuck and can’t get out. It’s okay, your shaking is from the cold not the withdrawals.

#3 No hitting your wife or girlfriend! I know this is hard when you combine alcohol and bitching but you can resist. See #2 about digging the hole. Have your wife and/or girlfriend throw you a bottle of Vodka. It will keep you warm and keep me from Tasing you.

#4 No stealing children’s snowmen! I do not think it’s funny. I know you did it last year, I heard the stories but I’m not the cop that was on duty then. I will catch you and I will place you in handcuffs and take you home to Mommy and Daddy. Before I do, I will dress you up as a snowman and a carrot will be sticking out of your nose. Promise!

#5 Bake extra cookies for the officer on patrol! I like sugar, chocolate chip and snickerdoodles. I’m really not picky. Please don’t spike my hot coco, I’ll do it myself when I get home.

#6 Wave at me with all five fingers! No middle fingers, I’m not in the mood.

Last year’s white Christmas

#7 Christmas trees, fireplaces and houses catch fire! Water your tree, clean your flue and keep candles away from curtains. After I help rescue you and your family, I’ll be able to warm my hands at your holiday barbeque. I’ll bring the marshmallows.

#8 Slow down! The presents will wait. Your mother in law will wait. There will be plenty of food left when you get there. I will write you a speeding ticket! I don’t care that it’s Christmas, I need to pay for my time and a half wage. Just think of me as the Grinch.

#9 Don’t let your dog run loose! Our kennels are cold and if I find out you’re the dog’s owner, I will impound you. Got it?

#10 Have a great day! Love your family and friends! Make a point of saying hello to an officer on duty. It’s Christmas and we miss our families and friends. That small extra gesture will make us smile.

To all the officers who are working Christmas, thank you, stay safe and yes, we CAN give the idiot a break for speeding.

Wow, I feel better. Writing this gave me back my sense of humor.

I won’t be posting again until New Year’s Day, please don’t forget me. Have a wonderful holiday season!


  1. December 11, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Thanks Suzie after a rather difficult day your post made me laugh out loud. Sorry you have to work Xmas but I hope you get lots of cuddles from your loved ones to make up for it 🙂 x

    • December 11, 2011 at 4:32 pm

      Oh Babs, sorry you have had a hard day! I love your blog! I give you so much credit for what you do and write about. It was that kind of day for me as well but hitting publish on this post made me smile. If you could have seen the first draft with all the bad words, you would have died. I kept a copy of it so I could read again later. Tomorrow WILL be better. Sending hugs your way.

  2. December 11, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Suzie!!

    I will make a point of finding a policeman, fireman or other individual that daily works to keeps me safe and sound and wish them a happy holidays! Stay safe and stay warm!!!

    Thanks for the laughs.

    • December 11, 2011 at 4:52 pm

      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too. Don’t work too hard!

  3. Suz
    December 11, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    Merry Christmas to you, Suzie!

  4. December 11, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    Hey Suzie,

    Laughed hard with this post. I hope people learn to behave themselves this Christmas for your sake. I know stealing Snowmen is evil, but it’s a little bit funny too. Don’t hate me.

    Looking forward to your posts in the new year.


    • December 11, 2011 at 6:11 pm

      I’m hoping the same thing. It’s okay to laugh at the stolen snowmen. Body parts were found on the streets but the culprits were never caught. I’ve got their number this year. Noses may not be where I stick the carrots:-)

  5. December 11, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    I wish you a very Merry Christmas! And if you catch the snow man thief please take his picture as frosty and blog about it!

    • December 11, 2011 at 8:20 pm

      That’s a deal. Merry Christmas!

  6. December 11, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Thanks for the chuckle Suzie. Have a safe and warm Christmas!

    • December 12, 2011 at 7:04 am

      I will! Merry Christmas!!

  7. December 11, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    So sorry to hear you wont’ have off, but sounds like you’re already making the best of it.

    Have to admit, number six totally cracked me up.

    Hope you get your Christmas wishes and more.

    • December 12, 2011 at 7:07 am

      I get #6 now and then and I just thought I would warn them away from it on Christmas Day. Have the merriest of seasons:-)

  8. December 12, 2011 at 4:18 am

    Happy Christmas, sister-friend! I needed a laugh, thank you. Your list should be some kind of greeting card series. I’d buy them all.

    See you in the New Year,

    • December 12, 2011 at 7:08 am

      Maybe I’ll go into a new business next year. Police Greetings Incorporated, works for me:-)

  9. December 12, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Yes, Ma’am! 🙂 I think if I showed up, here in San Jose, with cookies that they’d throw them away. Big City often means Big Crazy, so I doubt they’d eat anything from a stranger. But I do like the idea of baking something tasty for the poor souls who have to work Christmas.

    • December 12, 2011 at 10:42 am

      Don’t know if I ever mentioned this but went to high school in Fremont. 1st child born in San Jose. Husband has lots of family there. As far as cookies go we have a taste tester. He eats everything and if doesn’t get sick and die we eat it too. It’s a cops life:-)

  10. December 12, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Now that’s the most original Christmas list I’ve seen in awhile! Hope your Christmas Eve and days surrounding Christmas offsets your Christmas work day 🙂 Merry Christmas!

  11. December 12, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    Hi Suzie, Bravo! I think I can abide all of your list except number 1. But I’m working on it. Especially after the whopping $303 ticket for my “rolling stop.” This was the judge’s ruling after my most contritely appearance. Ouch. But trust me there will be no drugs or drunkenness or stealing going on. Rolling stops are about as delinquent as i get. 🙂

    I’m gathering from the photo that you had a white Christmas in Arizona last year. That must have been nice. I hope you get lots of cookies and no fingers. 🙂

    • December 13, 2011 at 7:02 am

      We are hoping for a white Christmas again this year. It will make three in a row. Sorry about the $300 ticket, I think ours are $75.00. I’ll try to think of you and not be too Grinchy. Merry Christmas!

  12. December 14, 2011 at 11:26 am

    Hilarious, my dear! I love, love, love your sense of humor. Though I think I would have stuck that carrot somewhere else… ha ha. So sorry to hear you have to work the holiday, but you’ve got the right attitude. If I were closer, I’d make a cookie drop-off delivery for sure.

  13. December 19, 2011 at 4:49 am

    Such a funny list!! Still, sorry you have to work on Christmas. I live much too far away to deliver cookies to you, but I will send good thoughts your way for as stress-free and happy a holiday as possible — and hope Santa brings you everything on your list!

  14. December 23, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Fab post. Very funny! I especially like number 4 – I can hardly believe people would really try to steal other people’s snowmen! Although, a kid kicked a hole in my son’s igloo the year before last – we could’ve done with you around then! I hope you have a lovely Christmas Suzie, even though you do have to work for some of it. I appreciate having the police around at all times, but especially at Christmas when people go a bit crazy. See you in 2012!

    • December 23, 2011 at 2:34 pm

      I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. My squad car is loaded up with candy canes and chocolate Santas for all the kids I see. Merry Christmas!

  15. December 23, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Merry Christmas Suzy Ivy. Thanks so much for all the wonderful reading you provide. Stay safe, warm and remember a bird on the shoe is always worth more than your partners field test kit.

    Didn’t they cover that in cadet school? LOL Best to you and yours.

    • December 23, 2011 at 7:57 pm

      Merry Christmas! I hope you have a wonderful day with family and friends!

  16. December 28, 2011 at 8:20 am

    I hope you are enjoying the holidays even though’.

    Happy New Year.

    • December 28, 2011 at 8:27 am

      I spent yesterday in bed (very tired) and have today off. Back at work tomorrow but I feel rested. I had a wonderful Christmas. My incredible husband used the wheelbarrel at midnight on Christmas Eve and made sled tracks for my grandkids so they could see where Santa landed. It was priceless. Hope your Christmas was awesome!

  17. December 29, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Suzie, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you!
    Your wish #5 is all set: Derry, Londonderry, and Manchester PDs of NH, all got some good sweets, my kids helped to deliver the baskets to HQs on Christmas Day. Wish we could send some to you…
    Hope this made you smile 🙂

    • December 29, 2011 at 8:57 pm

      A huge smile. Thank you so much. We got cookies, fudge and candy delivered to our office and many thank you Christmas cards. I read every one and appreciate all the people who remember us.

  18. December 30, 2011 at 12:17 am
  19. Jane Isaac
    December 31, 2011 at 8:00 am

    Fabulous post Suzie. I do hope they were kind to you and all was very quiet. Enjoy your New Years.

    • December 31, 2011 at 8:06 am

      Thank you, everyone was great on Christmas. Lots of waves and smiles, all fingers used. Happy New Year!!!

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