A Perfect Police Christmas
I worked Thanksgiving so I could have Christmas off. I just found out I will be working Christmas too. We are shorthanded and it’s just the way it is. I’ve decided to make up my own Christmas Day Christmas list for street patrol.
All I want for Christmas…
#1 Stop at stop signs! It’s easy. Place your foot squarely on the brake, apply pressure and push to the floor. It works every time.
#2 No drugs! Cocaine, heroin and meth are bad for you. Try making it an early New Year’s resolution and stop now. If the snow reminds you of what you are giving up, dig a hole and jump in. If you hit bottom after twelve inches, you did the right thing. If you hit bottom at twelve feet then you’re just stuck and can’t get out. It’s okay, your shaking is from the cold not the withdrawals.
#3 No hitting your wife or girlfriend! I know this is hard when you combine alcohol and bitching but you can resist. See #2 about digging the hole. Have your wife and/or girlfriend throw you a bottle of Vodka. It will keep you warm and keep me from Tasing you.
#4 No stealing children’s snowmen! I do not think it’s funny. I know you did it last year, I heard the stories but I’m not the cop that was on duty then. I will catch you and I will place you in handcuffs and take you home to Mommy and Daddy. Before I do, I will dress you up as a snowman and a carrot will be sticking out of your nose. Promise!
#5 Bake extra cookies for the officer on patrol! I like sugar, chocolate chip and snickerdoodles. I’m really not picky. Please don’t spike my hot coco, I’ll do it myself when I get home.
#6 Wave at me with all five fingers! No middle fingers, I’m not in the mood.
#7 Christmas trees, fireplaces and houses catch fire! Water your tree, clean your flue and keep candles away from curtains. After I help rescue you and your family, I’ll be able to warm my hands at your holiday barbeque. I’ll bring the marshmallows.
#8 Slow down! The presents will wait. Your mother in law will wait. There will be plenty of food left when you get there. I will write you a speeding ticket! I don’t care that it’s Christmas, I need to pay for my time and a half wage. Just think of me as the Grinch.
#9 Don’t let your dog run loose! Our kennels are cold and if I find out you’re the dog’s owner, I will impound you. Got it?
#10 Have a great day! Love your family and friends! Make a point of saying hello to an officer on duty. It’s Christmas and we miss our families and friends. That small extra gesture will make us smile.
To all the officers who are working Christmas, thank you, stay safe and yes, we CAN give the idiot a break for speeding.
Wow, I feel better. Writing this gave me back my sense of humor.
I won’t be posting again until New Year’s Day, please don’t forget me. Have a wonderful holiday season!