Home > Stories From Small Town > What’s Your Name For It?

What’s Your Name For It?

I’m sorry for not including a picture in this post. I had one chosen but then changed my mind. It was so wrong.

We have a grouchy mom at the police department. No, it isn’t me! She keeps us in line, buys us donuts (which I don’t need) and will even sew on a uniform patch if requested. Darla Newman is our champion and our worse critic. She drives us nuts but we love her.

The younger officers have a harder time with her but I’ve had my ups and downs too. Darla is outspoken and at times downright scary. She types in our short forms exactly as we give them to her. If I write “polic” mistakenly dropping the “e,” my official report will show my error. She’s not our mother and it’s up to us to fix our own blunders. She’s a retired school teacher and came to our department after more than twenty years of using a sledge hammer to teach English to grade school children. If we didn’t have a good English teacher it’s our own problem. Darla personifies the uptight, strict, nun teaching at a Catholic school.

Have I mentioned she’s hard of hearing? I’ve stood next to her desk as she answers the phone. “No he doesn’t work here.” Pause, “I said he doesn’t work here.” Pause, “No, she doesn’t work here either.”

By this time, I must ask, “Who were they looking for?”

“Oh a Detective Heavy or something like that.”

My thought to myself, “Okay ‘heavy, Ivy’ I’m screwed.”

My words out loud, “They may have my name wrong so let me know if they call back.” I then go and bang my head against my desk.

More than a week ago, several of us were sitting together in the squad room eating lunch. Our Chief was sitting with us but reading a magazine and pretty much ignoring our conversation. Darla left earlier to have lunch with her grown son. The front door almost tore off its hinges when she returned. Darla didn’t look at the other officers, just at me.

“Something needs to be done about Patsy Glable!” Her breathing was heavy and agitated.

Darla has a habit of deciding who should handle certain cases. Her rhyme and reason is sometimes hard to decipher but in my case, she expects me to handle any female causing problems.

“What has she done now?” was my reply. Patsy has been caught drunk driving and shop lifting a time or two and I am well familiar with her troubles.

“She has a new boyfriend and he drives her around town.” Came the indignant reply.

“Um, okay. What else is she doing?” I was thinking she probably had a suspended license and was actually glad to hear she was being chauffeured.

Darla looked around at the other officers and didn’t reply for a moment. She took a deep breath, “She has one leg hanging out the car window as they drive.”

There was another pause as I waited for her to continue but she didn’t. She stared at me like I should know this was wrong. “Um, I don’t think it’s illegal unless her leg is causing danger to another vehicle and needs a red flag tied to it.” I thought this was a pretty good comeback.

Another long pause and glance at the officers as they pretended to concentrate on their food. “She’s wearing short shorts.”

I saw the Chief give me a fleeting look and then go back to his magazine. “Um, it’s not against the law to wear short shorts.” My voice was a little more baffled now.

Darla was glaring when she said quite succinctly, “Her tarantula is showing.”

One of my fellow officers began choking on his food. My Chief rushed out of the room like his butt was on fire and I remained baffled for a split second. It started to sink in and I began laughing. I couldn’t stop and the guys joined in. The mental picture was too much for us.

It’s now been a week and I’ve seen Patsy with her leg out the window but haven’t been close enough to see if the lawn is manicured.

Darla is not speaking to me and it’s making life difficult in the office. I offended her school teacher sensibilities with my laughter. I feel badly, NOT. There have been no donuts recently and the guys are telling me to apologize. I’ve lost three pounds and I’m not sure if I want to. I’ll give it another week.

I thought by working sex crimes I’d heard it all, I was wrong.

  1. March 9, 2012 at 11:34 am

    I’m not touching this, other than to say it reminds me of the “Friends” episode about everyone getting flashed by a guy who wears baggy shorts.

    • March 9, 2012 at 11:50 am

      I loved that episode but had forgotten it. I’m laughing again 🙂

      • March 11, 2012 at 3:56 pm

        Yes. It was a great episode! And so it this.

  2. March 9, 2012 at 11:54 am

    that euphamism m’dear is priceless – thank you and Darla for making my day 😀

    • March 9, 2012 at 12:02 pm

      Thank you Babs, I needed laughter today and wanted to share.

  3. March 9, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Your blog is so good, Suzie. It’s my favourite!

    • March 9, 2012 at 12:40 pm

      Thank you Tim! That is such a wonderful thing to say!!!

  4. March 9, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    Laughing hysterically… Thanks Suzie!

  5. March 9, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    Reading the story, I can understand your problem finding an appropriate picture.

    • March 10, 2012 at 7:05 am

      Yes, but I had no problem finding the inappropriate ones. Deciding not to include them was rough 🙂

  6. March 10, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    As soon as I opened my e-mail with your post, and read the first paragraph, I thought I should read it out loud and share with my hubby. I was having a really difficult time reading because I was laughing so hard!!!

    Suzie, please keep your stories coming. Hubby and I so love your stories. Thank you for always sharing.

    By the way, I can’t wait to get my hands on your next book! 🙂

    Love and BIG hugs,

    • March 10, 2012 at 2:41 pm

      Someday we will meet and make all those virtual hugs real.

  7. March 13, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    BAHAHAHAHAHA Oh my gosh, this just MADE MY DAY!!!!! “Her tarantula is showing!?!?!?!?!! Still giggling…

  8. March 14, 2012 at 11:07 am

    O.M.G! I had a time trying to comment on the BlogHer site, and found you this way, too…

    That was a HOOT and honestly? When I read “Tarantua”? I LOL’d and the girls in the office think I’m nuts. 😉

    • March 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

      Thank you Julie! Your Blogher problem might be Internet Explorer. I switched to Google Chrome because of the problems I had commenting on blog sites. Didn’t cure all of them but helped. Welcome to Bad Luck 🙂

      • March 14, 2012 at 11:22 am

        Thanks so much! I can’t wait to start reading!

      • March 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

        Bad luck is better than no luck at all, right? LOL..

        Suzie, I’ve tried Explorer, Chrome, & Firefox. I think what’s happening is the web filter on our network is messing me up. I can see everything from home. 🙂

      • March 14, 2012 at 1:01 pm

        That is exactly what I say about bad luck 🙂 Oh those nasty web filters that want you to actually do the job you’re paid to do and not spend your time on the internet. They are no fun at all 😦

      • March 14, 2012 at 2:12 pm

        You’ve got that right! But hey..I did find the work around to access Facebook from there, muwahahaha!

      • March 14, 2012 at 2:15 pm

        I take my Ipad to work and use my Verizon access. Where there’s a will there’s a way.

      • March 14, 2012 at 3:02 pm

        THAT is what I’m going to have to start doing. 🙂

  9. March 15, 2012 at 2:31 am

    This is hilarious! Just what I needed right now. 😉


  10. April 5, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    “Her tarantula is showing!” What a hilarious word picture this makes. Darla sounds like a real character, one you’d have to keep a sense of humor with. I’ve met a few of those in my day. Thanks for the laughs. Have a great Easter.

    • April 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm

      I’m enjoying you while you catch up on my posts! Happy Easter!!

  11. Josh
    April 9, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    My wife and I got a kick out of this story. I’m glad a friend at work referred me to this blog.

    • April 10, 2012 at 6:27 am

      I welcome you and your wife to Bad Luck. Thank you for commenting 🙂

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