Archive for July, 2012

A Blog For Criminals

July 24, 2012 27 comments

Cop blogs don’t pay so I was wondering if a criminal blog might. They probably already exist but who better, to teach the proper way to commit a crime than a cop. Also the Suzie Ivy Bloww Dryer© has not quite caught on.

To begin, I need a working blog title. Here are a few:

Robbing Banks the Right Way

How To Kill Your Husband in 10 Simple Steps

Smash and Grab the Big Stuff

Meth Addiction Made Easy

How To Go To Jail For 30 Days or Less

Cops and Rubbers (I’m the expert on this one)

Fifty Shades of Fraud

Keep This From Happening To You (this would be the blog logo)

I’ve checked and these titles are available on WordPress.

I believe education is the key. I was also thinking about the possibility of an advice column. Working title…

Crime Does Pay – Just Ask Suzie

Dear Suzie… (This would be kind of like Dear Abby meets Hannibal Lector)

I see newspapers syndicating me across the country. Just think how much their readership would increase. Contact: suzieivy at gmail dot com if you run a large media conglomerate.

Free Crime Tips of the Week:

Tape the drugs to your balls. Seriously we probably won’t find them

If you run, keep going. Most criminals return home. I stopped chasing these dummies a long time ago.

Never commit a crime on an empty stomach; cops don’t go after criminals until they’ve had a good meal

Use your siblings name and date of birth. The same gender is helpful but not required.

Never say you’ve only had two beers always say three.

You have the right to remain silent. Everyone knows this but crooks never shut up. SHUT UP!

Today is my 51st birthday. I share this exciting date with Amelia Earhart, my hero and Jennifer Lopez my look-a-like.

With the recent shooting in Colorado I needed laugher. I hope you were able to laugh with me. My thoughts and prayers go to all the first responders and their families and everyone affected by this senseless tragedy.       


Fat Thighs and Tom Cruise

July 5, 2012 35 comments

I’m writing the rough draft of this post using my Ipad while running on my treadmill. Recently, I have been inspired to eliminate my fat thighs. Since my twenties, I’ve been in love with Tom Cruise. I’m not usually attracted to younger men but I figure I can overlook the one year age difference.

I was devastated to hear about Tom and Katie’s split, NOT. I’m running with sweat dripping down my face and probably not enough deodorant but there is little I won’t do for love. These are the reasons why Tom should be thrilled to take me away:

1)      I can double as his bodyguard. Have gun will travel.

2)      I don’t believe Scientology frowns on pink handcuffs.

3)      I’m not on antidepressants but I am crazy. I think we’ll make the perfect couple.

4)      I sleep nude but if he wants me to get rid of the habit, I will.

5)      My long blonde/gray hair will look wonderful from the back of his motorcycle as it flows gracefully in the wind.

6)      I’m more than able to host a grand dinner party when John and Kelly visit. As a matter of fact I think they should move in.

7)      Fielding paparazzi can’t be much different than fielding creditors.

8)      I’m shorter than him by several inches. Even in heels he won’t need to look up to me.

9)      I make diamonds look good.

10)   I was once fascinated with numerology and I’m sure it will come in handy when learning about Scientology.

My husband just popped his head in the door and asked what the hell I was doing on the treadmill at midnight. Boy he really burst my bubble, I forgot I was married.

If you think this post is in incredibly poor taste, you need to know that I also had a crush on Mel Gibson in my twenties. Do you see a trend here?

Categories: Just Me Dreaming
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