Fat Thighs and Tom Cruise
I’m writing the rough draft of this post using my Ipad while running on my treadmill. Recently, I have been inspired to eliminate my fat thighs. Since my twenties, I’ve been in love with Tom Cruise. I’m not usually attracted to younger men but I figure I can overlook the one year age difference.
I was devastated to hear about Tom and Katie’s split, NOT. I’m running with sweat dripping down my face and probably not enough deodorant but there is little I won’t do for love. These are the reasons why Tom should be thrilled to take me away:
1) I can double as his bodyguard. Have gun will travel.
2) I don’t believe Scientology frowns on pink handcuffs.
3) I’m not on antidepressants but I am crazy. I think we’ll make the perfect couple.
4) I sleep nude but if he wants me to get rid of the habit, I will.
5) My long blonde/gray hair will look wonderful from the back of his motorcycle as it flows gracefully in the wind.
6) I’m more than able to host a grand dinner party when John and Kelly visit. As a matter of fact I think they should move in.
7) Fielding paparazzi can’t be much different than fielding creditors.
8) I’m shorter than him by several inches. Even in heels he won’t need to look up to me.
9) I make diamonds look good.
10) I was once fascinated with numerology and I’m sure it will come in handy when learning about Scientology.
My husband just popped his head in the door and asked what the hell I was doing on the treadmill at midnight. Boy he really burst my bubble, I forgot I was married.
If you think this post is in incredibly poor taste, you need to know that I also had a crush on Mel Gibson in my twenties. Do you see a trend here?