Home > Stories From Small Town > Dog Biscuits and Cu**s

Dog Biscuits and Cu**s

I’m working on the next Bad Luck book but I thought I would take a short break and write a blog post. This goes along with my last post’s theme but it’s the antonym (I like to use complicated words when I’m in a writing mood).

I had quite a few reasons to smile this week and just the simple joy of the changing seasons is one of them. The temperature dropped suddenly and 90 turned into 60. The trees are just beginning to change color and the next month will be beautiful.

Okay, enough with the soppy crap 🙂

I spent the week finishing up an investigation on a serious felony case and I typed the report which meant listening to twelve hours of suspect interviews. It’s a long monotonous chore but I put my headphones on and persevered.

Usually when I have my ears covered I’m left alone because I tend to be quite grumpy if disturbed.

Even so, there were no officers available so I was called out of my cave and asked to take a walk-in report.

I ground my teeth and went into the lobby.

Me: I’m detective Ivy, how may I help you?

Ditz: My dog was stolen.

Me: Where was it last seen?

Ditz: He gets a dog treat every day from the ladies at the title company and then he goes to the Dollar Store and they give him a treat too.

Me: What makes you think your dog was stolen?

Ditz: He always comes when I call him and he didn’t come this morning.

Me: Please give me a description.

Ditz: He’s a black Lab and he cost $500.

Me: Was he wearing a collar?

Ditz: No, he doesn’t like collars.

Me: His name.

Ditz: Kitty Kitty (I didn’t bat an eye)

Me: Okay, I’ll notify animal control that your dog is missing and see if he’s been placed in the pound. We have a leash law and it will be $30.00 to get him out if he’s there.

Ditz: You didn’t even ask what color he was.

Me: You said he was a black Lab.

Ditz: There are other colors of Labs.

Me: Not black ones.

Ditz: There are golden and chocolate too.

Me: Yes, but we don’t call them black Labs.

Ditz: Is there a supervisor available?

Me: Yes and I’m it.

Ditz: Well, is there a complaint form I can fill out. I don’t like your attitude.

Me: Yes, let me get that for you.

I walked back to my office and buzzed the secretary on her phone. “Please take Ms. Ditz an officer complaint form. If she asks to speak with me again, be warned; she will not leave the station alive.

Later in the day all the guys were laughing about the black Lab complaint against me. It was funnier as time went on and I laughed with them.

I live about a mile from work and on my drive home I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw a black, let me make that perfectly clear BLACK, Labrador walking along the road. I pulled over and called, “Here Kitty Kitty.” He jumped right over my lap and we took a ride to the kennels. I gave him a few treats and then booked him in. The nice me would have driven him directly to his owner’s house but the stubborn spiteful me did not. Sometimes life is wonderful.

This next delightful story happened today (my day off) when I took a break from writing and checked my Twitter account.

Jason McDonnell is a cop friend from Ireland and we tend to have fun Twitter conversations. His wife joins in occasionally and keeps him in line but today she wasn’t around. Here’s our conversation…(#FF is Follow Friday and a big Twitter thing)

Jason: #FF @SuzieIvy for being a great writer and cop And finally for poor @Cudlitz cos some cunt robbed his tools

Suzie: @jmcd432 Only you would use the “C” word in a tweet with my name. Have I mentioned lately how much I love you?

Jason: @SuzieIvy sorry wasn’t thinking It’s an Irish thing Sooo sorry

Suzie: @jmcd432 Too funny, I’m still laughing please don’t be sorry!

Jason: @SuzieIvy yaaaaay Lol It’s one word us LEO’s over here use to describe a heinous person who perpetrates a crime

Suzie: @jmcd432 A drunk called me that word over and over the other day. I didn’t consider he might be Irish 🙂

Jason: @SuzieIvy drunk and using that word Quite possible 😉

Isn’t my job wonderful? I learn something new every day. At the first opportunity I’m calling my next dirty rotten suspect a cunt.

  1. September 14, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    ROFLMAO…Have I mentioned lately how much I love you, Suzie? And I read this blog out loud to my DH…he now wants to borrow my e-reader so he can read your books, too! Stay safe, my friend, and keep writing! Hugs!!!

    • September 14, 2012 at 1:53 pm

      Thank you Linda, this was fun to write. Always easier when laughter is involved!

  2. September 14, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    😀 😀 And what an opportunity you lost out on with Ms. Ditz! After all, she was a lawbreaker for not keeping poor KittyKitty on a leash…

    • September 14, 2012 at 1:53 pm

      I know and I should have written her a ticket. Darn, next time 🙂

  3. September 14, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    I have a ginger cat called Rover which I’d like to lose. Can I post it to you?

    • September 14, 2012 at 2:07 pm

      Lost cats always seem to find their way back home even without law enforcement intervention. Sorry 😦

  4. Gillian aka wuzybug
    September 14, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    I love it I love it I love it

    And the infamous black dog !!

    • September 14, 2012 at 2:09 pm

      Your husband was my inspiration but he interrupted me from a heavy day of writing. He made me laugh though so I forgive him.

  5. September 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm


    Ahem, That foul four letter word is very much an English thing, NOT Irish!

    Yer man is clearly not from Corkaigh, where proper men do not use such language!


    • September 14, 2012 at 7:20 pm

      I’m seldom around proper men but I’m sure you’re right. You will need to take your argument directly to Jason. I wouldn’t dream of deciding a battle between England and Ireland.

  6. isthisthemiddle
    September 14, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    Gee, Suze, thanks for giving us the international culture lesson! I did not know that word had different meanings, and now I feel enlightened. Next week I’m teaching my students about writing business letters for an international audience, should I mention this to them? 😉
    We learn every day, eh?!

    • September 14, 2012 at 7:21 pm

      You know I think this would make one of the most fascinating discussions you ever had in one of your classes. If you decide to be brave let me know the results 🙂

  7. September 14, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    That four letter word is kind of like the word ‘shag’. It (could) mean ‘dancing’ and it (could) mean something else. I have the ‘Austin Power’ movies to thank for educating me on that one (I need to get out more). Loved the black lab story. A nice story to start my weekend! ♥

    • September 14, 2012 at 5:45 pm

      A funny story is what I meant. 🙂

      • September 14, 2012 at 7:24 pm

        I’ll take it either way!

    • September 14, 2012 at 7:23 pm

      He was a sweetie and I hated to lock him up but I just couldn’t deal with that woman again. Just one time I would like to call an idiot an idiot 🙂

  8. September 14, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    My comment disappeared! Grrrrr….Detective Ivy, I’d like to report a missing comment. I wrote it sometime this morning and it was kind of funny, but probably not really, but at least it was cute. It was pink, just so you know what color it was. Can you find it for me? Sigh…this one will have to do, I guess.

    • September 15, 2012 at 6:05 am

      I would seriously need more information to solve this case. What was the length of your comment? What about font size? Specific words would be helpful, what do you think I am, a detective? Did you leave your comment unlocked so just anyone could take it? Do you see how hard my job really is? People just don’t understand.

      • September 20, 2012 at 10:27 am

        You listen for the sound of laughter, that will lead you right to my missing comment. The laughing “at” you, not “with” you kind of laughter. 😉 Finished Bad Luck Officer last night and then went to download Bad Luck Detective….and….there….wasn’t….one! Gasp. Please to tell your town to stop with crime so that you can finish the next book, because I’M WAITING!!!!

      • September 20, 2012 at 6:39 pm

        I swear I’m writing. You’re right though if criminals would hold off for a while I could get more done.

  9. Muddah
    September 15, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    I can only imagine the Goobers you have to contend with. And in this context, Goober is referring to “nuts.” Wait….I mean loco or crazy. Oh mercy. Anyway, loved the post. I may have to figure out the tweeting thing. It could probably provide lots of laughs!

    • September 15, 2012 at 4:04 pm

      Just plan on being totally addicted to twitter and giving up something else in your life to make time for it. The only way I get anything done is to not look at all. It’s on my phone, my ipad and my laptop. Don’t even get me started on what I do when I want to get on and they are over capacity. The words aren’t pretty.

      • Muddah
        September 15, 2012 at 4:15 pm

        Ohhhh my – another addiction. I feel I’m addicted to several of the “Friends” games that I play on my phone and iPad. My reasoning is that they make me use my brain. Maybe twitter would make me use a different part of my brain….ha!

  10. September 16, 2012 at 11:52 am

    $30 is cheap. Especially for an unaltered dog that habitually runs loose. Doesn’t your county need money badly enough to raise fees?

    Thanks for lightening my mood.

    • September 16, 2012 at 12:36 pm

      I totally agree with you and you’re right it was an intact dog and $30 is way too cheap. Unfortunately we already have a problem with people letting their dogs be put down because they can’t afford the fee and it’s just not worth it to them. A sad but true fact when you live in the country and dogs aren’t treated like mine (family members). Now I’ve messed up that mood haven’t I?

  11. September 17, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Finally, here I IS, Suzie! Better late than never!! And I LOVED this post. Heck, when don’t I like what you write?!

    I must be a real prude, with a capitol P, ’cause when my son-in-law’s brother referred to his step mother as a C–t, I dropped him from Facebook. I was afraid my older friends from our old church (Pentecostals) might chance to read it and drop me. lol! But somehow I don’t get the same vulgarity out of you, and I am NEVER offended by you. 🙂 But you must also know by now that I don’t really swear, that is unless a driver cuts me off on the road and then I chase them down till I have them trembling and blubbering. Then my evil streak comes out!

    By the way, I am contemplating getting a yellow “black” lab. lol!

    Love and BIG hugs, Amiga!

    • September 18, 2012 at 6:22 pm

      I’m so glad you came by Virginia and I would still love you even if you dropped me on Facebook 🙂 I miss you so and it made me smile just seeing your name on the comments. Watch the chasing down drivers because many carry guns now and I would hate for you to be charged because you stuck one up someone’s ass. Love you!

  12. September 20, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    The conversations that I have with both complainants and accused have become my favourite part of the job. My partner and I are continuously perfecting the art of openly mocking those kinds of morons, while appearing to be acting in the most professional way possible. The other day, my partner yelled at a guy who wouldn’t shut up in the back of the cruiser. He wanted to make a report. It was a quiet night, so we printed-out and modified a “hurt feelings report” from good old Google. My favourite question was “What ear were the words of hurtfulness spoken into? Left, Right or Both?”, followed closely by “Did you require a tissue for the tears? Yes, No, or Multiple”. He never caught on at all. Then when he asked for a smoke on the way to jail, my partner refused, stating that he was hurt that the accused had made a report on him. Buddy just started whining “Oh come on man, we can just tear that thing up… I don’t have to tell my lawyers about it! We’ll just pretend it never happened!”

    The black lab absolutely takes the cake though. LMAO

    • September 20, 2012 at 6:38 pm

      A hurt feelings report is priceless and first thing Monday I’m making my own so I can hand it out. This is the best idea I’ve heard in a long time. The guys will love it to and I think it will really catch on. Thank you 🙂 So do you think you can get away with using the “C” word in the European context? I haven’t tried it yet.

      • September 22, 2012 at 4:41 pm

        I think that’s my favourite profanity… but only because it is so profoundly dirty to me. It is the only word I know which has retained true power to shock and awe.

        I distinctly remember the first time I heard it used in proper sailoresque form… it was a salty old toothless Native labourer who was drilling piles on a job site I was working the summer I turned 16. One of the guys on our crew asked one of the guys on their crew how they liked their boss, George. There were a few polite responses, generally constituting things like “Yeah, he’s a pretty good guy…” The comments hadn’t quite quieted down before this old guy piped up loudly and abruptly and stated “George is a fucking CUNT!” with a Cree accent, a toothless grin and a little bit of spittle flying out of his mouth. The violence and finality of the statement made me choke on an inhale and I didn’t stop laughing for another ten minutes, literally rolling on the ground laughing. I have almost never used the word since, out of respect for the fact that I will never in all my attempts be able to as adequately reflect the vile nature of the word.

        I don’t think I could ever disassociate the word with it’s North American context enough to use it flippantly, and I hope I never come to that point. We still need words with shock value in a language where four letter words have become common place.

      • September 22, 2012 at 4:53 pm

        ” I have almost never used the word since, out of respect for the fact that I will never in all my attempts be able to as adequately reflect the vile nature of the word.”


        I have some difficulty here.

        The thing is, what that word describes is where we all come from, and I hold quite a bit of respect for those females who use it readily to describe their lady parts, suggesting that we’ve made the word ugly, by using it as an epithet, and forbidding it’s use.

        The word itself isn’t ugly, what’s gone wrong is how we use it to describe a vileness.

        For example, Japanese culture will routinely refer to lady parts as, “a perfumed garden.”

        Yes, it is arch, maybe a bit silly, but it is NOT ugly. It celebrates sex, life, us and brings beauty rather than epithet.



      • September 23, 2012 at 5:11 am

        I expected many things from this post; laughter, outrage, angst, but I didn’t expect beauty. Thank you and big hugs.

      • September 23, 2012 at 5:10 am

        Only two men have ever used the word when referring to me. I would have thought it would be a lot more but they seem to respect my gun and I wonder if they think it would be going too far. Women on the other hand have no problem using it, over and over and over 🙂

  13. Lulu
    September 26, 2012 at 3:32 am

    I have been giggling over the black lab, that could be a different color, for a few days. Even when retold to others it brings laughter. Thanks for that. I really believe we need an “idiot meter” – sort of like the alcohol meters for DUI’s. If you go below the average intelligence level you don’t even get to try and drive your pointless point home!! I wish we could say that only the police have to deal with the idiots – but unfortunately they are everywhere!!! I heard a woman ask a blind man if his sunglasses were prescription??? Keep the smiles coming.

    • September 26, 2012 at 5:13 am

      What an awesome idea. The idiot meter, everyone should have one because you’re right it isn’t just the police that deal with them. I dealt with a situation yesterday that’s had me shaking my head. The best way to describe it is 5 men with 4 teeth. I can’t say more but seriously these people pro-create and they would have broken the meter. Thank you for the laugh.

  14. October 26, 2012 at 1:52 am

    Ok, you know when truth is stranger than fiction? I saw this one in the local paper and I thought – I just have to share this one with Suzie. I wonder if this is the kind of stuff that’s going on in small town…


    Hope you never have to check for that one!

    Take care,

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